Grouper — Ruins The shy type who is apparently at every party but who you never remember seeing.
Taylor Swift — 1989 Girls to whom yoga pants are a religion.
Against Me! — Transgender Dysphoria Blues Straight-edge types with an encouraging newfound understanding of gender issues.
Perfume Genius — Too Bright Shy guys who nevertheless think of themselves as “performers.”
St Vincent — St Vincent People who loved Her and keep meaning to buy Annie Clark’s earlier records.
Ariel Pink — pom pom People who read Pitchfork and Slate.
Weezer — Everything Will Be Alright in the End People who really, really relate to Charlie Brown trying to kick a football.
Lana Del Rey — Ultraviolence Scarred veterans of the Great Lana Blog Wars of 2012, who now claim vindication.
Jack White — Lazaretto Men who have lit their entire apartments with Edison bulbs and drink small-batch whiskey from Mason jars.
Sia — 1000 Days of Fear People who casually mention “my therapist” in every conversation you have with them.
Aphex Twin — Syro Math majors.
Alex G — DSU Sensitive math majors.
Owen Pallett — In Conflict Sensitive math majors who somehow also find time to do a minor in music.
Flying Lotus — You’re Dead Sensitive math majors who somehow also find time to do a minor in music and have a secret fondness for exotic Silk Road psychedelics.
Todd Terje — It’s Album Time Thirty-somethings who used to go hard on the pills back in the day and now host dinner parties.
Riff Raff — Neon Icon Spring breakers.
Sun Kil Moon — Benji That old dude at the end of the bar who you don’t really know, but who nevertheless keeps talking at you about all the terrible shit that’s happened to his family.
The War on Drugs — Lost in the Dream a) confused Tom Petty fans; b) confused Republicans.
FKA twigs — LP1 South Londoners who are cooler than you.
Sharon Van Etten — Are We There Girls who, let’s be honest, you’d be kind of terrified to break up with.
Angel Olsen – Burn Your Fire for No Witness Girls who, let’s be honest, you’d be kind of terrified to break up with (if they hadn’t already broken up with you).
Kasabian — 48:13 Whoever’s editing the NME these days.
EMA — The Future’s Void People who have NewHive accounts and know someone who has sold a GIF for money.
Pharmakon — Bestial Burden People who have an encyclopedic collection of horror films on VHS.
Run the Jewels — Run the Jewels 2 Hip hop purists who look like Ebro Darden.
Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra — Fuck Off Get Free We Pour Light On Everything Angry people in cobalt blue cardigans.
Perfect Pussy — Say Yes to Love Prominent Feminists.
Alt-J — This Is Yours Tertiary-age English lads who are diversifying from Coldplay.
Morrissey — World Peace Is None of Your Business Curmudgeons.
Future Islands — Singles Earnest types who have been wearing sneakers with ill-fitting slacks for years.
Azealia Banks — Broke With Expensive Taste People who tweet exclusively in ALL CAPS.
Iggy Azalea — The New Classic Inuits with great senses of humor.
Interpol — El Pintor Amateur LES playwrights.
Parkay Quarts — Content Nausea People who were still there at 6 AM on the night Death By Audio closed.
The Pains of Being Pure At Heart — Days of Abandon People who were still there at 6 AM on the night 285 Kent closed.
TV on the Radio — Seeds People who were still there at 6 AM on the night Northsix closed.
Swans — To Be Kind People who were still there at 6 AM on the night CBGB closed.
Drive-By Truckers — English Oceans Men who own every issue of MOJO ever published.
Total Control — Typical System Australians who don’t overuse the word “mate” and wince when you mention Tony Abbott.
Counting Crows — Somewhere Under Wonderland Men who think that wearing a sports coat with jeans is somehow attractive to the opposite sex.
Leonard Cohen — Popular Problems Suave older gentlemen who get laid way more than you do.
Foo Fighters — Sonic Highways Bros who use the word “bud” to refer to their friends.
Charli XCX — Sucker Poptimists.
Ed Sheeran — x Populists.
Mac DeMarco — Salad Days Dudes who wear Vans low-tops in the winter.
The Black Keys — Turn Blue People who own trucks and drive them exclusively on the weekend — and never, ever get them dirty.
Pink Floyd — The Endless River Boomers who still dutifully replace the AA battery in their Pulse box set year after year.
Sleaford Mods — Divide and Exit Old English people who hang toward the back at shows and speak in incomprehensible accents about seeing bands you’ve never heard of.
U2 — Songs of Innocence People over 40 whose kids set up their iTunes.
Smashing Pumpkins — Monuments to An Elegy Billy Corgan, bless him.