Millennials everywhere are in mourning, bless them, because Blink-182 have officially parted way with singer Tom DeLonge (although apparently that’s news to him). The band have been famously dysfunctional for years, and as such it’s not surprising that the communication around their apparent break-up has been lacking. Perhaps the most notable detail to emerge was that Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker haven’t spoken to DeLonge in months, preferring to communicate digitally. Their medium of choice was email, but really, it could and should have been Gchat — because then we wouldn’t have had to write these transcripts for them.
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me: dude Sent at 12:09 PM on Tuesday
me: dude Sent at 2:41 PM on Tuesday
Tom DeLonge’s new status message: Away
me: dude Sent at 4:03 PM on Tuesday
me: dude Tom: WHAT, MARK me: i got something to tell u u will like it Tom: you read the Nietzsche book I gave you? me: no Tom: you got a bassline down for that 5/4 demo track I sent you last week? me: no Tom: you’ve given further thought to my concept for a trilogy of albums? me: no Tom: well what then me: i did green poop this morning
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me: bro Travis: bro me: have u talked to tom lately Travis: no bro u? me: i tried to tell him about my idea for that song “Green Poop” Travis: oh lol me: idk bro he didnt like it Travis: lol why not me: idk bro at least he didnt talk about Neetsche again
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me: whoa man thank you so much for adding me Bono: You’re very welcome, Tim. I’ve not used this interface before but I am excited to try new things. me: it’s Tom Bono: Tom. me: like… whoa Sent at 11:13PM on Wednesday
me: Well anyway i just wanted to ask ur advice man Mark and Travis are just like bumming me out of late Bono: You have not had these tendencies before? me: wait what Bono: God does not judge you… God is LOVE. me: uhhhhhhhhh um no like i mean i’m not getting along with the band Bono: Oh. me: and idk what to do. Bono: “idk”? me: um oh i don’t know Bono: You don’t know? me: no like oh man this is not going well Bono: LOL. me: lol Bono: Exactly. me: ok look the thing is i don’t really want to do Blink anymore. i have other projects i’m really excited about Bono: Tell me about them. me: oh wow lol ok sure well i have this idea for a trilogy of albums based around a conceptual sci-fi space opera and also a film that’s made from the perspective of the space pilot as he cycles around a dying star that symbolizes our relationship w religion i mean i know you’re a Christian but Bono: Wait, I’m confused. me: why? Bono: Don’t you sing about your penis a lot? me: well that’s the thing i used to but i don’t want to any more Bono: God gave us all a special talent, Tim. me: it’s tom Bono: Yours is singing about your penis. That’s what your fans love. Own your penis. me: um this is getting weird man Bono: Wave it proudly. me: uhhhhhh brb Bono: “Brb”?
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Tom: hey me: DUDE what up Tom: Look I’ve been thinking about it and if I do the tour IF we can’t sing any weiner songs me: oh come on man Tom: I’m serious me: but like dude thats all the songs Tom: We’ll do the serious ones me: but like cmon all the small things Tom: No. me: dick lips Tom: No. me: the blow job song Tom: No. me: whats my age again? Tom: you’re 42, Mark. FORTY-TWO years old. In eight years you’ll be 50 me: no like the song c’mon man at least that one Tom: No. me: fuck a dog Tom: See? This is what always happens. I try to be serious, and you tell me to fuck a dog. me: no the song Tom: Oh, OK. I’m sorry. Maybe that one. me: noooooooo jk i did mean fuck a dog loolllllll Sent at 6:41 PM on Sunday.
me: dude Sent at 7:03 PM on Sunday.
me: dude cmon Sent at 7:27 PM on Sunday.
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Several months later…
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Mark: bro me: broooooooo Mark: i been thinking me: lol that shit is hard i havent done that since 1997 Mark: srsly but like idk man i think the blink legacy should be the most important thing me: right on Mark: like Neetsche never wrote about his dick and who even cares about him apart from tom me: lol Mark: so idk man i think we gotta do it we gotta get a new singer someone whos on our wavelength me: like who tho Mark: what about the guy from wheatus me: hmmmm idk hes too NY Mark: the alien ant farm guy me: hed wanna do that Michael Jackson song tho and that shit is hella gay Mark: the new found glory guy me: isnt that the same as the alien ant farm guy Mark: idk me: what if we like got a dog and pretended to fuck the dog Mark: idk that might be too high concept me: wait what about green day guy Mark: no they got famous me: no shit Mark: yeah man idk me: wait wait i got it that dude from LIVE Mark: omg does he still have that pony tail me: idk we will make him grow it Mark: yessssssssssss me: does he fuck dogs Mark: HE DOES NOW LOLLLLL me: are you gonna tell Tom or will i Mark: idk lets just put out a press release saying he quit me: what could possibly go wrong