The Super Bowl! The height of American bread and circuses in the dead of winter, and as a result, the forum for the flashiest movies to debut. It’s the ultimate in one-minute previews, so you can figure out what’s really going to rule your summer, whether it’s Fast and Furious 7, Jurassic World, Tomorrowland, or Divergent 2: Indulgent. In order to make your Super Bowl trailer watching as easy as possible, we’re ranking them from worst to best. Here we go!
Fifty Shades of Grey
The other day I had the horrifying realization that the actor playing Mr. Grey bears a passing resemblance to some of my relatives (that actor is Irish, I’m from Boston, the gene pool is small), so I can’t even enjoy this trainwreck on a camp level because it’s gross. It’s going to be a trainwreck, right?
The Divergent Series: Insurgent
“She is the one,” the trailer trumpets, and that means that Shailene Woodley is so magical that she can break through glass! And then the CGI city shatters like glass, and at the end of the day it’s all a big Jesus metaphor.
The Seventh Son
To its credit, it’s not a sequel, and it features Ben Barnes (a.k.a. the hottest founding father ever: brewer and patriot Sam Adams from History’s recent Sons of Liberty miniseries), Julianne Moore, and Jeff Bridges. It also looks like some medieval futuristic Robin Hood trash, and not even fun trash.
Do you want to see Chris Pratt fight dinosaurs while wearing a cool hunter’s vest? Yes?
Pitch Perfect 2
Cute. Some Green Bay Packers are singing a capella, I guess, Rebel Wilson makes a deadpan joke, and the Bellas make Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” sound kind of sad and neutered. Anna Kendrick’s hair looks really good, though. Extra points for being a in-preview joke.
Gibberish-speaking, adorable little yellow pills that act as henchmen for the most evil supervillain in the galaxy are getting their own Despicable Me spinoff. In this perfect little ad, there is one funny joke. I will enjoy watching this with a child I am related to in the distant future.
Forgive me. Okay. You know and I know that the movie Ted was awful, that Seth McFarlane is the worst, and yet — I kind of find the Ted thing endearing in one-to-two minute bites. (Although imagine the offensive abortion-related jokes that will come from Ted 2‘s plot, where Ted needs to prove personhood or soulhood even though he’s a talking bear?) Sue me. I’m from Massachusetts and I’ve been to Wahlburgers (Its tagline: Our burgers. Our story). I have a soft spot in my conflicted heart for noted asshole Mark Wahlberg’s total dopey commitment to comedy, and this tiny bit is about robbing Tom Brady for his clearly superior, Super Bowl-winning championship sperm. I laughed a lot. I hate myself. BRADY!
Not a sequel, totally original, done by Pixar genius Brad Bird. So far, the movie seems to be George Clooney asking whether you want to go to a world of pure imagination and the generally unknown cast having their mouth half-open in wonder as a reply. Which I think is a yes.
R.I.P. Paul Walker. Our favorite wild band of car thieves and heroes are back, with Vin Diesel and the Rock sharing quips and a truly insane looking car jumping from building to building in Dubai, maybe? There’s girl fights, fire fights, Jason Statham, a quick shot of Ludacris, and a bananas end joke. The Fast and the Furious has been a franchise for over a decade now, and they’re still coming up with new ways to get truly charming actors driving fast cars in crazy situations.