Take a drink whenever…
someone on stage makes a joke about the Oscars ceremony taking 12 years to wrap, like Richard Linklater’s Boyhood.
someone acknowledges that Selma deserved better.
someone asks what a Birdman is.
someone talks about Steve Carell’s Foxcatcher nose.
host Neil Patrick Harris gets adorable, which means you should pour yourself a few drinks.
Eddie Redmayne gets dorky, which means you should pour yourself a few drinks.
Finish your drink if…
“Everything Is Awesome” from The Lego Movie gets stuck in your head, again. This song is approaching Pharrell’s “Happy”-levels of stabby.
Ethan Hawke plays a damn ukulele or something.
the ladies of Wild and Into the Woods trade dry shampoo tips.
Richard Linklater pulls and “alright, alright, alright” during an acceptance speech. Finish two drinks if Matthew McConaughey joins him on stage and the whole thing turns into Dazed and Confused: The Later Years.
Nightcrawler writer Dan Gilroy looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
Wes Anderson’s bow tie is crooked. Drink two drinks if he looks like a frightened dog.
Do a shot if…
some lame-o makes a comment about how “brave” Marion Cotillard or Reese Witherspoon were for starring in a film without makeup.
someone looks genuinely terrified of J. K. Simmons, because Whiplash.
host Neil Patrick Harris breaks into song as Hedwig or gives someone a lap dance. This is the moment you really tuned in for.
someone mispronounces Pawel Pawlikowski, Andrey Zvyagintsev, Zaza Urushadze, Abderrahmane Sissako, and Damián Szifron’s names — the directors behind the contenders for Best Foreign Language Film.
someone confuses musical guest Lady Gaga for Sia.
Finish the bottle if…
the Academy invented a “Best Mustaches” category — and The Grand Budapest Hotel sweeps it.
someone preaches about Amurica during an American Sniper award win. We can’t even.
someone at the podium loses it and makes the “cool girl” speech à la Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl.
someone finds Vivian Maier, because that would just be weird.
Meryl Streep takes home the award for Best Actress, even though she was only nominated for Best Supporting Actress.