If leaning in has never really appealed to you because you have a penis (or otherwise identify as male), rejoice, because Sheryl Sandberg has news for you: men, she wrote in the New York Times this week, can reap the benefits of gender equality by… well, by getting laid more if they do chores around the house. Whoa! There’s even a name for this: “choreplay.” And even better, this is only the beginning. There are plenty of other ways to get things happening in the bedroom of your tastefully decorated home in San Francisco. Read on, you naughty leaner-inners, you.
Mooreplay Confronting the reality that the amount of time you spend convincing your significant other to get it on doubles with every passing year. Get busy now before powers of two render you incel for all eternity!
Boreplay Choose between a variety of sexy activities guaranteed to get things hot and steamy: watch paint dry! Watch grass grow! Talk about how great Sheryl Sandberg is!
Storeplay The more stuff you buy, the more sex you have! Capitalism is hot!
Guarantorplay One partner is the landlord, and the other partner is the person putting up the cash for their kid’s fancy apartment in Williamsburg. Guess who gets screwed?
Thorplay Remove your shirt! Don a traffic cone! Wield an axe! Become Chris Hemsworth… or THOR FROM SWANS!
Class war play Let the ruling classes tremble at a sexual revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their clothes.
Yoreplay Like LARPing, but with added sex. Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
Torplay Spice up your life by sending anonymous emails to one another. The NSA will never know that for some reason you insist on calling your husband/wife “bae” IRL!
Hundred Years War-play One half of the gender-normative heterosexual couple dresses up as Bertolt Brecht, and the other one as Mother Courage. Fireworks await.
Ava Adoreplay If anything’s guaranteed to rekindle the flames of your guttering marriage, it’s your wife bearing witness to the sight of you dressed like this:
