25 Outrageously Funny Quotes from ‘Strangers With Candy’s’ Jerri Blank

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The opening credits of former Comedy Central’s series Strangers With Candy immediately sets the tone for the show. In a voiceover monologue, we hear Amy Sedaris’ Jerri Blank describe her unusual situation as a 46-year-old ex-drug addict who did time and has since returned to high school. As critic Maryann Johanson wrote of the show: “It’s all the awful nightmare of high school shrink-wrapped and served back to us piping hot with snark and dripping with a secret sauce of extreme warpedness.” While Jerri behaved badly at Flatpoint High, poking fun at some seriously sensitive subjects, she also encouraged her fellow students to steer clear of her former lifestyle — in her own special way. Author and cupcake lover Amy Sedaris brought Blank’s bizarre character to life. On the weekend of Sedaris’ birthday, here are some of Jerri Blank’s most outrageous quotes and tips on life that you absolutely should not heed — or maybe you should, and we’ve just been doing it wrong this entire time.

“You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.”

“Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your having sex.”

I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don’t you come over to my crib after school, and I’ll make your pinky aaaall stinky.

“Florida. Beautiful weather — harsh penal system.”

“If you’re gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.”

“You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they’re gone forever.”

“You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed… really hard.”

“I’m dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction… with lies and delusion.”

“You know, high school is a lot like the slammer. The food sucks, they tell you where to go and how to do it. And if someone tries to make you their bitch, you just stick them with a shiv in the showers.”

“It must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want. Sure beats doing it!”

“Boy am I thirsty. I’m gonna go get a hot dog.”

“How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you hope is your own filth?”

“It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare.”

“You don’t wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.”

“I’ll never slap you around, unless of course you get out of line.”

“I don’t have to make the debate team. All I have to do is starve myself to the brink of death to get your attention.”

“I’ve got something to say!”

“What’s the difference between being married and in love, and being single and in the back of a car?”

“Don’t worry, Alan, I can’t get pregnant. My ovaries are diseased.”

“Maybe it’s time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can’t, and start doing the thing that you can’t do, but can no longer pretend that you can.”

“Are you as real as the Demon with 100 Eyes?”

“Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.”

“If someone tells you that you’re beautiful and that they love you, chances are they’re just trying to brainwash you into being happy. Don’t let them.”

“Pee on me.”

“Can’t you see how embarrassing this is supposed to be for me?”