The 9 Types of Hillary Clinton Reactions You’ll Find on Social Media


She’s in. With Hillary Clinton’s big announcement, a long campaign season looms before us, full of rancor and bitterness, gaffes, poll bounces, and predictions gone awry. Social media has meant that most lingering public caginess about debating politics has evaporated, and many amateur politicos proudly began waving a flag of affiliation and loyalty yesterday. This is particularly true vis-a-vis Hillary Clinton, who elicits lots of armchair punditry because she symbolizes so much to so many people. So to kick off a year and a half of Clinton campaigning, here’s Flavorwire’s guide to the universe of Hillary opinionators — not on TV, but in your own social media feeds. From the conspiracy-loving NRA member to the self-righteous radical, we’ve got all the types of Hillary lovers and haters covered in these nine archetypes.

The Unreformed Clinton-Hater: This person is still muttering (or doing the social media approximation of muttering) about Whitewater and Benghazi and Second Amendment rights, and has posted more times about the Clinton email scandal than there were actual Clinton emails to uncover. He or she may even have a propensity to share memes featuring Democrats with devil eyes superimposed on them. Why have you not blocked this person already? Answer: he or she is a blood relative. Still, there’s always the mute button.

The “Sophisticated” Clinton-Hater: This person is likely to mention Mark Penn, James Carville, and the Clintons’ “high-handed tone” with the press, as well obscure points about Hillary’s healthcare reform debacle in the ’90s — along with an obligatory reference to Kate McKinnon’s SNL impression. “A chilling parody! How can Clinton possibly survive that dagger to the heart?” this person will ask, rubbing his or her virtual hands together with glee. This person is probably employed by the US news media.

The Hillary Stan (not to be confused with a close relative, the Obama Bot). This person has been “ready” since 2009. She will praise Hillary for “paying her dues” and “earning this” once a day from now until next November, as well as offering glowing accolades for everything from the cinematography of Clinton’s campaign videos to her ten-point plan to fix the deficit. The Stan can probably be found ordering a Clinton hoodie online for every member of her family or sharing memes of Republicans with devil eyes superimposed on them.

The Vaginal Voter. It’s about damn time we elect a woman to the highest office in the land, says the Vaginal Voter, who is unapologetic about voting for Hillary explicitly so she can break the glass ceiling in American politics. “Yeah, but would you say that if she were a man?” is this person’s mantra in the comments section.

The Bizarro Feminist. The Vaginal Voter’s ideologically muddled counterpart is so feminist that she comes out the other side and declares Hillary isn’t qualified because of her husband. “All she did was marry a guy!” this person will declare ad nauseam. “And get cheated on! What year is this? Where are we? I thought feminism was about equality! My, Marco Rubio is looking dashing these days.”

The Gossip Pundit. This person will announce this week that he or she is voting for Hillary and then get out the popcorn so she can spend the next 18 months snark-spewing and Monday-morning quarterbacking everything from Clinton’s logo to her debate performances to rumors of affairs, and even insults to her shoes. “Ugh, hire Hillary Michelle Obama’s stylist, stat,” The Gossip Pundit shall soon be tweeting. “What is up with that haircut? I’m totes voting for her tho.”

The Shrug Emoji. “I just can’t bring myself to care about Hillary,” this type will say, over and over and over again, just to make sure you happen to notice how above it he sits and how deep the indifference runs in his veins. “Here is another thing about Hillary I don’t care about,” he will add, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

The “Plague on Both Your Houses” Radical. “Just another centrist Corporadem/Republicrat,” will be the rallying cry of this type, who reliably brings up how both parties are owned by the banks, the corporations, and the military industrial complex, and notes that Hillary will be indistinguishable policy-wise from Obama. She hasn’t earned squat, this radical iconoclast will declare, adding a shout-out to Edward Snowden, Elizabeth Warren, or Bernie Sanders. This person will be close to 100% morally and politically correct, and close to 100% insufferable.

The Jonah Bro: Named after Veep‘s love-to-hate buffoon, this type thinks he knows everything about politics. He wants you to know that this, election season, is his Super Bowl. Expect him to name-check caucuses, convention bounces, and swing states as well as constantly linking to and quoting Game Change writers John Heilemann and Mark Halperin.