Donald Trump, bless him, might be a bouffant boofhead who exemplifies pretty much everything that is wrong with capitalism, but in a comedic sense, at least, he’s the gift that keeps on giving. This is especially true about this time every four years, when he launches his inevitable, futile presidential campaign.
This time around, he’s been in the news for lifting Neil Young’s “Rocking in the Free World” for his announcement — and Young, predictably enough, was less than amused by this. Still, the fact that Young despises everything the Donald stands for doesn’t seem to have dimmed Trump’s fandom any — so here’s a bunch of highly scientific predictions for other Neil Young songs that Trump might use in future presidential campaigns.
2020: “Let’s Impeach the President” Wrong Clinton? What do you mean, wrong Clinton?
2024: “Comes a Time” After eight years of Hillary, Trump is primed for his big moment: the Republican Party has splintered into the Freedom Party, the More Freedom Party, and the Even More Freedom Party, and Trump has seized leadership of the latter, looking set to win the nomination at long last. In a shocking twist, however, he loses to the Freedom Party’s candidate Seamus XIII, a red setter owned by the party’s chairman, Mitt Romney III.
2028: “Like a Hurricane” A rare moment of self-aware levity from the aging mogul, who loses his toupee at a campaign rally that gets hit by one of the hurricanes that batter the East Coast pretty much every year these days. Sadly, his attempt at appealing to the common man is undermined by the fact that he is one of the three people on the planet who still denies the effects of climate change. This has had a particularly detrimental effect on his voter base in the former state of Florida, now known as “The Gulf of Mexico.”
2032: “Old Man” The candidate denies using campaign funds on Botox injections.
2036: “The Needle and the Damage Done” The candidate admits to using campaign funds on Botox injections.
2040: “Long May You Run” The late Donald Trump’s enduring gift to posterity: the constitutional crisis precipitated by his final wish, viz., that his estate fund a trust that fields a 3D-printed version of the Donald in Republican primaries ad infinitum. It never, ever wins.