It’s always been amusing the way conservatives tend to moan about Hollywood being a hive of liberal propaganda, given the fact that for most of the last century Hollywood has been a hive of… well, non-liberal propaganda.
Still, if that’s the way the right wants it, we’re more than happy to oblige — starting with Max, the hilarious-looking dog-as-American-hero film that was released on Friday, and moving back from there. Here’s how things would look if the commies really were in charge — and, let’s be honest, it’s way more fun this way, right?
Marx: In which a heroic beast proves himself to be the equal of any number of craven capitalist imperialist lackeys, joining the American Marines and demonstrating that the glorious strength of the working man will always win out! Even if that man is a German Shepherd! Or a dachsund! Or a pug!
American Striker: Bradley Cooper plays Kristof, America’s foremost leader of work stoppages in the glorious pursuit of workers’ rights. Kristof has led 255 strikes, 160 of which were officially confirmed by the Department of Labor, and is best known for his pinpoint accuracy in heroically taking out (from a safe distance) any scabs who dare to cross the picket line. His activism takes a heavy toll on his personal life, and irony of ironies, he is killed by a fellow worker whose experiences have left him so traumatized that he has embraced the cause of the capitalist running dogs.
Interdependence Day: Capitalist aliens have invaded Earth, seeking to impose their false idols (McDonald’s and Coca-Cola) upon the workers of the world. The befuddled United Nations look to America’s politburo for guidance, and in a time of crisis, it is the Workers’ General Secretary (Bill Pullman) who steps forward to lead the huddled masses to victory. He emphasizes the power of the collectivist spirit, and the workers unite to fight off the expansionist desire of the cowardly foreign invaders (with, um, a computer virus).
Work Hard, Work Harder, Work Hard With a Vengeance: A trilogy based around the life of Ivan Ivanovich (Bruce Willis), who works dutifully at a factory in Pittsburgh, eschewing several chances to battle terrorists and become a hero in favor of embracing his role as a proud member of a workers’ collective.
Saving Comrade Ryan: The hapless Ryan has absconded from the workers’ paradise of New Jersey to seek fame and fortune in the decadent wilds of Los Angeles. Thankfully, his three co-workers, under the heroic and selfless command of Comrade John H. Miller (Tom Hanks), go in search of him, braving the corrupting influences of the city in order to bring him back to his family. But! It turns out Ryan has been teaching the workers the way of collectivism, and refuses to return, eventually dying a hero’s death after eating one too many capitalist Big Macs.