I woke up today — like every other day — thinking I was a whole person, not realizing there was a gaping vacancy in me. You probably woke up feeling the same — but there was a gaping vacancy in you, too. At least, that’s what Justin Bieber’s own gaping vacancy thought.
For Justin Bieber’s butt seems to have woken up today, gotten on a boat, and realized that the weight of that ineffable lack in the world was resting on its cheeks: the world had not yet been subjected to a photo of it, windswept and crookedly smiling out at a stunning seascape, and the world needed to change. Then the Justin Bieber attached to Justin Bieber’s butt took said photo of said butt. Then he shared it on Instagram:
I woke up today, not knowing I’d be writing about Justin Bieber’s butt. But Justin Bieber’s butt is powerful enough that when it appears, especially with the caption, “Look,” I, alongside so many other unsuspecting bloggers, am obligated to do its will. It’s so powerful that it even has Miley Cyrus pitting it against Rihanna’s butt: