There are many things you could do tomorrow night. You could trim your toenails, or finally clean all out all the terrifying shit from behind the oven, or examine your cat closely for signs of a skin disorder. But if none of those are options, you could watch the Republican debate! And if so, you’re best off doing it in the company of some friends, an industrial quantity of alcohol… and our official Republican Debate Drinking Game. Disclaimer: we assume no liability if you drink yourself into a coma (and anyway, that’s probably still better than listening to Donald Trump drone on and on about how much money he has, right?)
Drink whenever… – Someone interrupts the moderator – Donald Trump refers to himself in the third person – Donald Trump refers to how rich he is – Chris Christie refers to how from New Jersey he is – Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio try to court Latino voters without upsetting racist white people – Ben Carson refers to how black he is (j/k, this will never happen) – Someone mentions the words, “freedom,” “Obamacare,” “Benghazi,” “illegals,” “terrorism,” “Planned Parenthood,” “mainstream media” or “thugs” – Marco Rubio takes a drink
Do a shot every time… – Someone talks of “taking America back,” “making America great again,” etc. – Anyone alludes to the Iran deal (with an extra shot if they somehow manage to demonstrate that they have actually read said deal or at least somehow understand how it works) – Someone promises to “get tough” on something – The camera catches Jeb Bush shooting a slightly panic-stricken, “Why am I surrounded by these people?” glance to the side of stage – A candidate talks about “getting things done” while alluding to something Republicans in Congress have actively obstructed being done during the Obama Administration – Someone speaks Spanish – Donald Trump calls someone a “dummy”
Finish the bottle if… – Someone calls Mike Huckabee, “Mike Suck-A-D” – Someone calls Mike Huckabee, “Rick Santorum” – Anyone mixes up Scott Walker and Scott Walker – Donald Trump’s toupee manages to escape his head and flee for the hills on its small but surprisingly muscular legs – One candidate challenges another to point to Benghazi on a map (and finish a whole new bottle if whoever’s being challenged actually manages to do so) – Anyone asks Jeb Bush why the hell he calls himself “Jeb” if his real name is “John” – Anyone mistakes John Kasich for some sort of underling and demands water, cocaine, etc.
Weep quietly if… – Someone says “All lives matter!” or mentions “black-on-black crime”
Throw the TV out the window if… – Mike Huckabee talks about sending in the army to stop abortions (seriously, this could happen)