The holiday party season is upon us, and thus we want to provide our readers with some advice about the proper way to behave at a company shindig. No one is better equipped to help with this than our friends at The Foggy Monocle, a website devoted to recounting the aftermath of a drunken night’s cavorting. Coming up after the jump, tales of woe and merriment from Erik Dane and James Jung, along with five rules we should all follow this holiday season.
Rule #1 Make sure to consume some food when attending a holiday party (preferably beforehand), or you could end up in Coney Island.
Erik: “I knew this one guy who didn’t party very much. He was this office guru — very peaceful, very Zen. He didn’t drink, he was just a nice simple guy. For Christmas that would all change. He would get bombed. His whole thing was he would carry around a loaf of bread at the party. He would go down to the store and buy a dollar baguette and carry it around. It would soak up the booze and he wouldn’t have a hangover the next day, but he always fell asleep on the subway and ended up in Coney Island.
Rule #2 Refrain from getting annihilated. Even though you might work in a big office, it’s never big enough.
James: “I think you should actually NOT drink that much. The powers that be are all on you, and how long is an office party? Like two or three hours. Get to the party, and have a few beers to loosen up, but realize that all of the fun stuff is going on at the bar afterward. That’s where you are going to be with your friends. Even if you do leave with a co-worker, at least it isn’t in front of your whole office.”
Erik: “You don’t need to get hammered, but if you work at some large company and there is this cute girl in accounting and you never get to talk to her, then the party is a good opportunity…”
James: “Booze can exacerbate the problem though. I will start off with the worst story I’ve been told. A guy hooked up with a girl that worked in a different department at his company. They were on different floors and never saw each other. I don’t know how it came about, but he slept with her, and they never talked again because they never saw each other. Until the Holiday party, that is. She came over to the friends he was standing with and she had the hiccups. She was a little drunk and laughing and asking people to help her get rid of them. The guy sees this and asks if he can speak with her in private for a minute. “Yeah sure” she says. They walk to the corner of the room and he says, “Well I just wanted to let you know that I just found out that I have [a very bad STD].” The girl lost it, understandably so. After a couple beats he says, “Ahhh I got you! But it got rid of the hiccups, didn’t it?” The girl stormed off, obviously not finding it funny at all. The next day everyone was laughing at him, saying how lucky he was that they didn’t work in the same department. A few months later, she was transfered to his department and they sat her right next to him. For the next year, they hardly spoke a word.”
Rule #3 If you are new to the office, make sure you know who you are talking to at the party.
James: “A guy, I think he worked for a newspaper, but allegedly he got really fucked up at the holiday party. He was so new that he didn’t really know anybody or where they fell in the office hierarchy. He was talking to an older guy and asked him, ‘Want to go do a bump in the bathroom?’ And this guy was his managing editor. He fired him on the spot.
Rule #4 Never leave someone behind at an office party — especially if that someone is your significant other.
James: “My buddy worked at a large bank, and he went to his boss’s home in Chicago for the holiday party. He got super wasted like a lot of people there, and got in a cab and went home. He had completely forgotten about his wife. His wife came out of the house and didn’t know where she was. She was really fucked up, and just went to sleep on the stoop. Some time around 1 or 2 in the morning, she made some noise and the boss’s wife found her down there and had to get her water and ask her where she lived and finally take her home.”
No word on whether they are still together.
Rule #5 Sometimes you get away with it, but don’t count on it.
Erik: “A friend of a friend who worked for a management company got wrecked at their holiday party. He started grinding up against his female boss and it got really explicit, like grabbing her hooters in front of the whole office. He woke up the next day, and was just like, ‘Oh my god, I am so fired.’ He didn’t think he would ever survive, so he just didn’t go to work. The day after, he sort of whizzed into the office around 11, and discreetly inquired about the party. The first person he asked looked at him with a blank expression and said they blacked out and couldn’t remember a thing. The same thing happened with the next person he asked. It turns out that everyone had blacked out and no one could remember a single moment.”
Remember these stories this holiday season, and stay employed.