The Thanksgiving Internet Makes Me Sad: Links You Need to See

By
Share:

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, which means one thing… Everyone on the Internet is talking about Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, this year our general consensus seems to be that we should skip right to the part where we point out everything terrible about taking a couple of days to think about what we’re thankful for.

Dreading the familiar discomfort of holiday traveling, The Atlantic posits that Skyping in for Thanksgiving dinner is a reasonable substitute for actually going to see your family. They provide many logical arguments; you’ll save money, it’s less stressful, etc.

In the face of such sane, rational thinking, there is only one counter-point: Thanksgiving is a holiday about gratitude and togetherness, and is almost impossible to celebrate alone.

People interested in using a video chat to get out of spending Thanksgiving with family will also probably enjoy this Vice explainer on how to break up with your significant other on Thanksgiving. Apparently, Thanksgiving is a great opportunity to get your family to do your emotional dirty work:

“Instruct your nosy aunt to ask things like, ‘So when are you two lovebirds getting married?’ and ‘Y’all fuckin’ or what?’ Tell your overprotective father to say something like, ‘If you ever hurt my child, I swear to God…’ and then trail off ominously… Once everything’s in place, there is no way your future ex will stick around.”

As the first story clearly suggested, Thanksgiving is already stressful enough without your extra romantic baggage.

Even without a boy- or girlfriend, there are plenty of modern conveniences you can use to make Thanksgiving all about you. A holiday is a great opportunity to boost your personal brand by sharing every single thing you’re going to eat on Instagram. Think someone at the dinner table might object? Buzzfeed has a handy, dandy guide to convincing your family that your stream-of-consciousness food photography is a good idea.

To be fair, that turkey is freakin’ gigantic. In fact, most turkeys are larger than life these days. According to Vox, the average weight of a farm-raised turkey has more than doubled in the last century. The reason, of course, is because we wanted them. Farmers started breeding turkeys to have bigger breasts because Americans prefer that part of the bird.

Maybe people are so interested in getting out of Thanksgiving this year because the media conditioned us to believe it’s just “the day before Black Friday.” Mashable is peddling genuine Black Friday nostalgia, with a photo essay about “what Black Friday looked like in 2003.”

It was a simpler time, when waking up before dawn to go shopping was just stressful and not a life-threatening bloodsport. These people all bought toys and no one even got pepper-sprayed!

I’m sorry, Internet, but I think we need to take a little break. No, no. I’ll call you. Happy Thanksgiving.