Two-and-a-half decades can do a lot to a man. It can turn childhood trauma into a defining experience, one that dictates every thought that man has throughout his day. Abandonment becomes code for one’s own unworthiness, feeds into distaste for family and social figureheads. This is what happened to Kevin McCallister.
According to the premiere video of a new web series, at least. In it, Macaulay Caulkin plays his old Home Alone character, only today — and he hates his family. And he’s married, and his wife is an Uber driver who does a lot of cocaine. And suddenly this doesn’t seem so implausibly far from Caulkin’s own life, though he’s not eating any pizza. Which might as well be a crime — fraud, even.
But not quite security fraud, which, as we reported earlier, Martin Shkreli is facing charges of right now. Some had hoped that, had the assets of the two-and-a-half-decade old man (coincidence?) been siezed, the famous $2 million Wu-Tang Clan album would’ve been a part of that seizure, but, unfortunately, we now have confirmation that that is not the case. But it’s nice to see the FBI finally entering 2015 by sending out a pretty cool, socially relevant tweet.
Another cool, socially relevant thing is this dude in Bon Appetit who lost weight while eating only junk food. Seems dubious to us, seeing as we’ve eaten a dozen peanut butter cookies in just the last few days and haven’t lost any weight. In fact, we might have even gained some weight! What gives, Bon Appetit? Is this totally fabricated? Oh — he actually ate the appropriate amount of calories per day, only in junk food. Seems like cheating, if you ask us.
Just like these socks from Netflix, which, if they were to ever actually be invented, would be able to sense body movement and detect whether or not the wearer is asleep. And, if that wearer is asleep, then the socks will pause whatever program is being missed by the sleeping man. Flammable fibers in close contact with tiny electronics: it sounds kind of like a fire hazard. But is that more dangerous than falling asleep and missing your favorite show? Depends on what the show is. If it’s a Star Wars film? Whoa — that’s life or death.
Luckily, for all you Star Wars fans out there, you can just go ahead and make your own title crawl if you nodded off during the trailers. Now you can fight your own star war, whenever you want, starring whomever you want! Kind of like Iggy Azalea having her own character in a Sims game, for some baffling reason.