‘The X-Files’ Finale Recap: “It Would Now Appear We Go Out With a Whimper”


The finale is here, so the monster this week is the conspiracy. It would seem the past four episodes have done little for us other than to introduce v 2.0, aka Miller and Einstein. Will we find out about that alien DNA? Will Scully ever be reunited with William? Will Miller and Einstein do it? Only one way to find out…

This week’s episode starts with flashbacks; “The countdown has begun,” Mulder reminds us in the premiere episode of this “season.” Scully flashes back with photo prints from her past, giving a recap of her own history from the first 9 seasons of the X-Files. We’re “subject to the influences of dark forces, ” she reminds us, but “questions remain unanswered about their motive and their final objective.” After she says something about samples “containing DNA abnormalities that i can only describe as alien,” Scully’s head morphs into a green alien head OH COME ON

Scully rolls up to the FBI building, apologizing for being late. “The parkign garage is locked down for some reason,” she says, to no one. Watching Tad O’Malley on a laptop, he admits, “It may seem like science fiction, but it’s science fact.” On cue, he calls her: “You need to get over here.” Here is Mulder’s house, and it’s trashed. O’Malley is standing in the mess. Scully calls the police.

Back at the office, Einstein has been called in. She’s skeptical of Scully, shockingly. “Hold on Agent Einstein you’re talking to a scientist,” Skinner reminds her. Though in this episode, Scully isn’t very convincing. When she and Einstein go to Our Lady of Sorrows hospital, they find a confused dude with a weird scar on his arm. This doesn’t look good.

As Agent Einstein draws her blood, Scully is a bit exasperated that she has to fill her in on 9 seasons. “You know little of my history, Agent Einstein,”she says. Now she’s the Mulder to Einstein’s Scully.

When Miller arrives, it’s with a laptop and Tad O’Malley show clip. A doctor on his show explains the extent of the “contagion,” triggered by mass tampering of DNA. “Is this at all plausible?” he asks. The answer is quite clearly irrelevant. They rush back to the hospital, and another talk with the nurse who treated the dude with the lesion on his arm. Scully suspects that our “vaccines” for soldiers are actually hurting them. Those legions? Anthrax. Chill. But there’s more:

“Anthrax is the harbinger of infections to come,” says Scully, sounding like an evangelist preacher. “Why else would there be an outbreak?” I hope Scully stretched before she leapt to that conclusion. When she says “I don’t think I need to see your test results,” she’s never sounded more unlike Scully. Einstein comments her that only “one class” of people is being affected. Scully’s starting to piece it together. When Einstein’s reminds her that compromising the immune system requires taking something away, not adding something, the light bulb goes off. On cue, a blast from Scully’s past comes calling: Agent Reyes.

All this time, Mulder’s been tearing down the road, looking all kinds of beat up. Skinner’s calling, Scully calling…he ignores him, and floors the gas pedal. He’s in South Carolina. Too see whom? Back in the X-Files office, Miller is watching Tad O’Malley’s show on Mulder’s laptop. I hope he incorporates web streams into his ratings. Lurking on Mulder’s computer, he sees a phone finder app on the desktop, and locates him in Spartanburg, SC. And he’s off!

When Scully meets Agent Reyes in the rain, we hear she’s been a stooge for Smoking Man for the past 10 years, in exchange for protection from the oncoming apocalypse. It was her who helped the Smoking Man smoke out of his stoma. Gross.

She explains to Scully that the conspiracy revolves around the ability to de-populate the planet, “to kill everyone but the chosen.” “It’s been in motion since 2012.” LOL. Reyes says Smoking Man sent someone to make a deal with Mulder, the guy that hsows up looks more like an assasin. Mulder beats him up, points a gun at his head. “WHO SENT YOU!?!?!”

When Mulder shows up with a gat to Smoking Man’s house, we get the answer. “YOU SENT FOR ME. I’m here,” he says. Smoking Man reminds him that “I’ve controlled you since before you knew I existed.” “I dont believe you!” Mulder cries. “You don’t want to believe.” Climate change? The “40-percent loss of bird life, the decimation of the ‘megafauna.’ You’re kiling the earth, bruh. Smoking Man offers him “a seat at the big table.” Mulder’s not hungry.

On the Web, Tad O’Malley is ranting about chemtrails and weird graffiti. At the hospital, the concerned nurse is walking around holding her mask. Maybe she should put that on. Now that everyone is fucked up (and the CDC confirms “massive contagions”), Einstein is ready to believe Scully. “Alien DNA is what I have, and alien DNA is all that can save us,” Scully says. She wants to use her DNA to make a vaccine to protect everyone.

In South Carolina, this “Spartan” virus seems to have gotten to Mulder, he’s on the ground, looking like shit. The Smoking Man takes off his mask to show us his super creepy face. That’s how you know he’s evil.

Back in the lab, Scully’s having some issues with her DNA jelly slice. Helpful nurse pops in with some pink eye, letting Scully know that the doctors are getting sick. Guess she should have had that mask on, eh?

The infection has reached the Tad O’Malley studio, and he looks like shit. When he says “It would now appear we go out with a whimper,” it’s as if he’s breaking the fourth wall. He’s still on air though, which is more than we can say for the hospital, which loses power. When Scully says “we’re already in the dark,” it’ll make you yearn for Vince Gilligan. After a quick CRISPR name drop, Scully figures out her problem, and sets off to make some magic IV juice to save everyone.

When Miller finally get’s to Smoking Man’s house, he’s got a red nose and a hanky over his face. Back at the hospital, Einstein is also “A little feverish.” Scully must be a good scientist, because she promises her that “were gonna have a cure within a few hours.”

As she runs through the streets with her IV bags of cure, some superhero pulls a street sign right out of the ground and smashes a window. For some reason he listens to Scully when she tells him and the other rioters to stop and get to a hospital. She starts driving like a maniac, going the wrong way and on sidewalks. When she gets Miller on the phone, we can see that Mulder does not look good. When Scully finally reaches him and he sees her healthy, he’s quite pleased. “He saved your life, Old smokey. I suppose I should thank him.”

Are you ready for the absurdity? Cuz it’s coming. Turns out Scully’s magic cure can’t help Mulder. “He needs stem cells in him right away.” Of course he does. But not any regular old stem cells, no sir. He needs that good-good, stem cells from his son William, location unknown. Quite incovnenient. Enter the UFO.

With the final shot, Scully doesn’t have to believe, she’s looking right at it. IT IS THE END.

…or is it?