GOP Finally Settles on Cast of Characters for Trump Sitcom


The GOP network, allegedly in internal disarray, has finally settled on four main characters for its new sitcom about overgrown child terror Donald Drumpf, now in high school. The protagonist is kind of like a young Archie Bunker if he were actually a semi-Nazi and not just cranky. He fears nothing except insults to the size of his fingers and hands — and is settling into a hilarious routine with his makeshift family unit, whose members must often make uneasy alliances with each other to stop his bullying antics. They never succeed, hahaahaha, and he wins every time!

Let’s review the cast:

There’s antagonist #1, Drumpf’s big brother Marco Rubio, who compulsively exchanges penis-size insults with his younger sibling. They call each other names all day long, like “Little Marco” and “con artist.” Drumpf often gets his best buddy and sidekick Chris Christie to pile the insults on his big brother, but Marco strikes back too, and has a kind of sneering, nasty side to him — like Carlton on Fresh Prince, if he were a total asshole. What’s most terrifying about big brother Marco as a character, though, is that he seems reasonable and mature compared to his fascist lil’ bro… until he starts talking about indiscriminately killing our enemies abroad.

Creepy substitute teacher and upstairs boarder Ted Cruz, aka “Lyin’ Ted,” is the biggest threat to Donald’s plans for world domination because he’s such a weasel. At school, the kids worry that his theories about corporal punishment are a little too close to the Bible version, have caught him eating his own boogers, and scurry away when he walks down the halls — but nary a peep is heard during his guest lectures. Despite being the most hated man at the high school, Lyin’ Ted has still earned himself a permanent job as a rotating substitute because he’s in good with the Bible-thumping parents bloc. And that explains why exasperated dad John Kasich won’t kick him out of the attic, either. Lyin’ Ted can’t stand Jew York — er, I mean, New York — and there have been whispers that he’s the Zodiac Killer, though that storyline probably won’t be resolved before the finale.

Exasperated Dad John Kasich likes to act like he’s the rational one, and he frequently reminds his kids and the border upstairs of his time hanging out with Great Uncle Ronald Reagan, the family hero. What he doesn’t mention is that his own rank hatred of women, even if it’s disguised under a veneer of gentle moderation, has leached into his sons’ attitudes and created a toxic, testosterone-choked environment at home. This sublimated theme lends a poignancy to each episode, beneath the belly laughs.

Minor characters:

Bullied bestie Chris Christie, Drumpf’s sidekick who loves to come over, eat Poppa Kasich’s milk and cookies, blast some Bon Jovi, and make fun of Little Marco until the latter cries or becomes icy and cruel. Recently it’s seemed like he’s maybe being bullied, even held hostage, by Donald, and there’s been a little more pathos to his character arc.

On again/off again flame Sarah Palin: Drumpf’s sometime girlfriend, who the guys in the house think is a babe. Unfortunately, she can’t complete a sentence in English and breaks up with him every few episodes because being in a relationship is too hard and stuff, such as America and ISIS.

Nemesis John Oliver: The British exchange student who sits in the back of the classroom and rolls his eyes. He isn’t exactly the coolest, but he has uncanny ability to pinpoint Donald’s weakness. For instance, he got the entire school to call Donald “Drumpf” for an entire week, becoming a hero to the beleaguered smart kids.

Principal Hillary Clinton: The school principal has yet to directly confront Donald, but everyone is waiting for their first big confrontation, probably in the midseason finale. She is often seen in her office, rolling her eyes or sighing when teachers bring her reports of his horrid behavior. She wants to get rid of Lyin’ Ted Cruz but feels her hands have been tied by those powerful, Bible-thumping parents. Some, like the eccentric history teacher, think she’s too diplomatic in cases like this.

History Teacher Bernie Sanders: This beloved history teacher, whose fifth-floor classroom always seems to smell like Nag Champa and social justice, fosters a popular meeting place for the same group of students that enthusiastically adopted John Oliver’s Drumpf gag. They talk about Marx and Saul Alinksy and eat Ben & Jerry’s, creating a safe space, away from Drumpf and his goons who shove them in the hallways. But the question of whether this teacher and his loyal students will ever get the chance to take on Donald’s growing hegemony in school, and even in his own home, is questionable.

Canceled character Jeb Bush: During the pilot, there was a third sad-sack brother named Jeb, but the audience found him so depressing that the producers quietly got rid of the character. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

And that’s the lineup. Let the pratfalls begin, the laugh lines flow, and the fabric of the nation fray under the pressure of rank hatred and violent incitement!