Your Guide to the 2020 Republican Primaries


Of the many thoughts that have occurred to us while watching the ongoing Republican primary circus, one of the foremost is: “If they lose again, who on earth will they trot out next time?” After Mitt Romney lost in 2012, pundits thought that the GOP might get its house in order rather than lurching further to the right. Wrong! Wrong! With this in mind, then, here’s our guide to the 2020 Republican primary race. Content warning: disembodied heads.

Barbara Bush

Strengths: Strong family brand. More competent than either of her sons. Will not allow brand consultants to talk her into appending an exclamation point to her name.

Weaknesses: Undeniably female. Ninety-five years old as of June 8, 2020. Family brand undermined, perhaps fatally, in 2016. And 2001. And 2002. And…

David Duke

Strengths: Established support base in the South. Qualified support of 2016 nominee Donald Trump.

Weaknesses: Wardrobe. Criminal record (for, um, tax fraud).

Mitt Kasich

Strengths: Unqualified support from the “despairing center-right” demographic. Novelty of combining two former candidates via pioneering surgery (conducted by Ben Carson!).

Weaknesses: “Despairing center-right” demographic now consists of three people and a cat. Unholy gestalt beings have a poor record in primary polling.

Rick Santorum

Strengths: Persistence.

Weaknesses: No one liked him in 2012. No one liked him in 2016. No one likes him in 2020. No one will ever like him.

The disembodied head of Strom Thurmond

Strengths: A solid five-decade record of racism, sexism, and generally being a terrible person.

Weaknesses: Former Democrat. Views seem quaint and old-fashioned when compared to, y’know, Donald Trump. Dead.

Dick Cheney, Mk XIV

Strengths: Successful android clone of former vice president. Replacements can be produced as required at secret lab under a mountain in Nevada.

Weaknesses: Retains the real Cheney’s problematic targeting parameters.

Emperor Palpatine

Strengths: Track record in running galactic empire. Force lightning.

Weaknesses: Will compete with Cheney Mk XIV for the Sith Lord demographic. Signature facial deformities may mean he struggles to connect with voters.

Jeb Bush’s gun

Strengths: Direct. To the point. Quintessentially American (well, sort of). Has learned from past mistakes and will not be displaying “Gov. Jeb Bush” tattoo this time around.

Weaknesses: Foreign policy.

An actual eagle

Strengths: ‘Murican.

Weaknesses: Expressing coherent thoughts, although “Squawk!” has proven surprisingly effective in connecting with the Republican base. Does not appreciate being described as “hawkish.”