Disney to Reanimate the Very Tired Corpse of Indiana Jones for 2019 Film

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Harrison Ford just can’t leave his past in the past, can he? First he reprised his role as Indiana Jones in the 2008 Crystal Skull, co-starring Shia LaBeouf, who has since blossomed into the best actor-artist in the world. Not content to rattle the bones of his archaeologist’s walking corpse, last year he brought Han Solo back to life — kind of. Now, it’s been announced that the franchise-seeking spirit of Ford (and its mystic guide, Steven Spielberg) will soar its ethereal way back to the body of Jones, in what will be the fifth film in the series.

Disney Studios Chairman Alan Horn said in a statement, “Indiana Jones is one of the greatest heroes in cinematic history, and we can’t wait to bring him back to the screen in 2019. It’s rare to have such a perfect combination of director, producers, actor and role, and we couldn’t be more excited to embark on this adventure with Harrison and Steven.”

Reps haven’t said whether or not young Indie, aka Shia, will return for the film, and he probably won’t, seeing as he wasn’t exactly received warmly in 2008. Shia’s taken to disowning his own blockbuster past, anyway, so chances are he wouldn’t reprise the role. Which is truly a shame, considering his totally buff bod, which is very true to the body type of most sons of famed archaeologist-adventurers. How will they write him off? A tragic death? A sudden interest in Hollywood? A burgeoning career in the world of modern dance? Truly exciting prospects, all of them.