Battles: they’re red-hot! Whether it’s Captain America taking on Iron Man (in theaters this Friday, HAVE YOU HEARD), Batman v Superman, or Weezy vs. Baby, everybody loves a good pop culture fight – so much so that we’ve assembled a wish list of a few as-yet-unrealized battles we’re itching to make happen.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho vs. President Merkin Muffley
Can’t imagine why terrible presidents who lead us to the brink of annihilation might be on the mind lately, no particular reason for that or anything, but the question stands: who is the all-time worst fictional Commander-in-Chief? The former porn star and wrestling champ leader of Idiocracy, or Dr. Strangelove’s ineffectual bumbler?
The Glass Family vs. The Royal Tenenbaums
The kind of group-on-group fists-a-flyin’ physical brawl we see in Captain America: Civil War simply would not do if J.D. Salinger’s family of geniuses were to square off against Wes Anderson’s. May we suggest a battle of wits on the quiz show of their choosing? Is It’s a Wise Child still on the air?
Archer vs. Phillip Jennings
In the battle of television superspies, both Archer and Jennings can off an adversary quickly and efficiently. So if they were to go mano-a-mano, who knows who’d come out on top – but it does seems safe to say that one would sensitively mope and grapple with guilt, while the other would hop into a sportscar and ride off into the sunset.
Sasha Fierce vs. Chris Gaines
Who could possibly come out on top in this battle of totally unnecessary and somewhat inexplicable musical alter egos from giant recording superstars? Well, look at it like this: I Am… Sasha Fierce sold 3.12 million copies, while Garth Brooks In… The Life of Chris Gaines sold… good lord, over 2 million. The ‘90s were weird, you guys.
Michelle Simms vs. Lorelai Gilmore
So many fields of battle for the quirky heroine of Amy Sherman-Palladino’s Bunheads and the quirky heroine of Amy Sherman-Palladino’s Gilmore Girls! Who’s got the dreamier brunette locks and smoky voice? Who is quicker with a quip? Who’s faster with a wry double-take to small-town shenanigans? Who trades barbs better with Kelly Bishop?
Gary Walsh vs. Buster Bluth
In the battle of the Tony Hale social misfits, it seems like Gary’s got the upper hand; he’s not quite as defenseless or as terrified of the world in general (particularly if he’s got his man-bag). But to the question of the “upper hand” – are we talking pre- or post-hook Buster? Because that thing can do some damage.
Archie Bunker vs. Peter Griffin
On one hand, this pair of casually bigoted and effortlessly offensive television patriarchs seems like a pretty even match-up (difficulties of real life taking on animation aside). On the other, Archie had Norman Lear writing for him, and Peter has Seth MacFarlane, so… game, set, match.
Norman Bates vs. Joffrey Baratheon
Psycho vs. psycho? Oh, this one could go any number of ways.
The girl in “Raspberry Beret” vs. the girl in “Little Red Corvette”
In the battle of women who were sexually aggressive enough to give Prince pause – and let’s really think on that for a moment – you’ve got to assume the one who asks “Baby, have you got enough gas?” has at least a slight edge.
Addison Dewitt vs. Hobson
When the theater critic from All About Eve and the butler from Arthur do battle, there are no raised fists, or even raised voices. Just two wry wits, sitting in opposite corners across a crowded room, absolutely devastating each other with their cutting wit and dryly delivered barbs. Of all the takedowns here, this is the one we’d like to see the most.