The strange controversy surrounding Monday’s nights Republican National Convention speech by Melania Trump and its, um, questionable origins — and last night’s mini-storm over re-appropriated language in Donald Trump Jr.’s address — has shone an even sharper spotlight on the upcoming convention-closing nomination acceptance speech by presumptive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. In moments of crisis, given the choice of either righting wrongs or doubling down, the Trump campaign has consistently chosen the latter approach; thanks to a source deep inside the campaign*, Flavorwire has attained a transcript of Mr. Trump’s speech, and… well, it seems he too will be communicating “to Americans in phrases they have heard before”:
(Saluting.) I’m John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty. (Hold for applause.) If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. (Hold for applause.) Tonight I am asking you to join me to walk together to a better future. By my side, I have chosen a man with a big heart from a small town. He represents the best of America, a man who will always make us proud – my friend and America’s next Vice President, Paul Ryan. (Hold for applause) Ya know, when I was growing up, my father was often at sea, and the job of raising my brother, sister and me would fall to my mother alone. Roberta McCain gave us her love of life, her deep interest in the world, her strength, and her belief that we’re all meant to use our opportunities to make ourselves useful to our country. I wouldn’t be here tonight but for the strength of her character. And she doesn’t want me to say this, but she’s 96 years young, isn’t that huge? (Hold for applause.)
From a young age, my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise. That you treat people with respect. They thought and showed me values and morals in their daily life. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to our son, and we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow. Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them. (Hold for applause.) And in the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility — I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it. And the glow from that fire can truly light the world. And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. (Hold for applause.) Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. (Hold for applause.)
Now even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there’s not a liberal America and a conservative America; there’s the United States of America. (Hold for applause.) There’s not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America. (Hold for applause.) We have within our reach the promise of renewed America. We can find meaning and reward by serving some purpose higher than ourselves—a shining purpose, the illumination of a thousand points of light. (Hold for applause.) And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” (Hold for applause.)
That’s our motto. We want freedom by any means necessary. We want justice by any means necessary. We want equality by any means necessary. (Hold for applause.) Now I understand everyone’s shit’s real emotional right now. But listen up. I’ve got a three-point plant to fix everything. I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot. I don’t want you to write to your Congressman, because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. (Hold for applause.) You’ve gotta say, “I’m a human being, goddammit! My life has value!” So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!!” (Hold for wild applause.)
Well, I’d make my promises now if I weren’t too busy arranging to keep them. But I will say this: We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things, and two things only: making you afraid of it, and telling you who’s to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. (Hold for applause.)
On our very first day at Harvard, a very wise Professor quoted Aristotle: “The law is reason free from passion.” Well, no offense to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law — and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world, remembering that first impressions are not always correct. You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself. (Hold for applause.)
You think I’m licked. You all think I’m licked! Well, I’m not licked. And I’m going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if this room gets filled with lies like these; and the Taylors and all their armies come marching into this place. Somebody will listen to me! (Hold for applause.) America has become a second-rate power. Its trade deficit and its fiscal deficit are at nightmare proportions. The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed – for lack of a better word – is good. (Hold for applause.) Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms – greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge – has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed – you mark my words – will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. (Hold for applause.)
Truth hurts, don’t it? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall – you need me on that wall. (Hold for applause.) Now, you go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church and with any luck you might win the annual raffle. But if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17th, and he doesn’t like to be second-guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something: I AM GOD. (Hold for wild applause.) You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A! Get mad, you sons of bitches! Get mad!! (Hold for applause.)
Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That’s all. Except I’m going to tell you something I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew George Gipp. It was long before your time. But you all know what a tradition he is at Notre Dame. And the last thing he said to me, “Rock,” he said, “sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.” (Hold for wild applause.)
We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” Today, we celebrate our Independence Day! (Hold for wild applause.)
The enemy outnumber us a paltry 3 to 1, good odds for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. Give thanks, men, to Leonidas and the brave three hundred. TO VICTORY!!! (Hold for wild applause, smile big, put on “Make America Great Again” baseball cap, win presidency.)
*(just kidding, satire, etc. etc.)