Epileptic dolphin sex. Kyle MacLachlan as a Vegas sleazebag. Saved By the Bell’s Elizabeth Berkley thrusting it to save her life. Lines like, “This isn’t champagne. This . . . is HOLY WATER.”
The least offensive Baldwin brother? Early ’90s Sharon Stone in chokers. Early ‘90s tech paranoia. A soundtrack with Massive Attack, Enigma, and Lords of Acid.
Baby-faced Drew Barrymore as a homewrecker. Uber angsty Sara Gilbert. Director Katt Shea actually knows what the hell she’s doing. Tom Skerritt as the skeeviest dad around.
Marky Mark. Rollercoaster orgasms. An out-of-left-field soundtrack that includes The Sundays. William Petersen in a project that doesn’t include “CSI” in the title.
Beyoncé. Beyoncé kicking ass. Beyoncé having an Ashley Judd moment: “Nobody touches my child!” Beyoncé screaming things like, “I’ma wipe the floor with yo skinny ass.”
Peter Coyote chews all the scenery. Slinky Emmanuelle Seigner. Bumbling Hugh Grant. A Vangelis score.
Bad girl-era Alicia Silverstone. Cary Elwes’ shaky British meets Brooklyn accent. A merry-go-round in an attic. Killer wasps.
Brian De Palma, Brian De Palma, Brian De Palma. A miscast Rachel McAdams as a corporate bitch from hell. Perpetually stone-faced Noomi Rapace. Awkward girl-girl, male-gaze-y sexual tension.
In the Cut
Jane Campion! Meg Ryan playing against type. Meg Ryan as a New York writing professor: “Vagina. As in, ‘He penetrated her Virginia with a hammer.’ Mark Ruffalo porn stache.
Still-hanging-onto-his-brat-pack-appeal James Spader. James Spader quoting Yeats with his shirt off. The ridiculous use of pearls. Showgirls‘ scene-stealing William Shockley.