They Said, ‘Don’t Worry, It Will Never Happen.’ It’s Happening Now.


Everyone thought that it wouldn’t happen — not here and not now. This nation has been through so much growth, so much positive change, in the better part of the last decade.

So after all that, the pundits were sure the public wouldn’t open our arms so widely to aspirational gaudy Manhattan capitalist nonsense masquerading as something wholesome and new. No, Americans were too smart for that, especially American women. They wouldn’t take infantilizing, demeaning bullshit, even if it’s gold-plated bullshit, and gladly swallow it like it was medicine.

Besides, the parties involved in this attempted takeover would never be able to agree; the internal fighting alone would keep us safe from the threat of united front.

That’s what they said, but they were wrong. Today, a report came out: the unthinkable, the unimaginable is happening. America, you lost your vigilance, and and now you’ve got what you deserve: a third Sex and the City movie. has the exclusive:

“All the women are officially signed up for SATC movie 3,” a source close to the cast told Radar. “The deal is done and the script has been approved by all the women.”

According to the Radar, [Sarah Jessica] “Parker, 51, almost didn’t sign on for the reunion because of issues with the script,” which showed the characters in a more mature light.

Alas, everyone came together and put their personal greed first, and this is really happening. The resistance will need to be strong. Very strong, especially when Samantha totally rolls her eyes towards the ceiling and talks about penises.

In case we’re not being clear with our metaphors, the Sex and the City movies are to the Sex and the City television show like the election of Donald Trump is to the government of the United States of America. Each turned something that was working okay and even had its moments despite being somewhat problematic into glitzy, moronic mass market entertainment with a whiff of fascism. So of course this would happen now. 2016 has been such a delightful year, full of things that were a stomach-churning thrill ride like our steep and sudden descent into authoritarianism, edgy and retro at the same time, like our new flirtation with white nationalism, and hot hot hot, like the melting of the polar ice caps! We just needed one more cherry on top to make this the most outrageous year of all time.

And now we have it. And I couldn’t help but wonder… why.