Super-Qualified Film and TV Characters Who’d Be Better Secretaries of Education Than Betsy DeVos

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As of this Tuesday, 5 Billion Betsy is now our Secretary of Education. For those of us who dreamed of better for the burgeoning minds who’ll be America’s future — and who’ll now feel the stigmata of corporate-driven theocracy — her appointment is an especially rough development. But we dreamers can keep dreaming, can’t we? Seeking solace in the dream world of film and television, Flavorwire has gathered a list of empowering, inspiring, influential onscreen politicians and educators who would’ve made better Secretaries of Education than Betsy DeVos.

Oversized Pin on Leslie Knope’s Blazer in Parks and Recreation

Unlike Betsy DeVos, Oversized Pin on Leslie Knope’s Blazer is no-nonsense when it comes to speaking its mind, even if its mind can only speak the word “Knope,” — but damn, does it do it with integrity. And though it may be unable to answer in the affirmative, and may spell its limited statement of naysaying using the old dutch “Knope,” it is, unlike Betsy, honest about what it can’t… and can’t do. Has Oversized Pin on Leslie Knope’s Blazer, for example, funneled over a million dollars into attempts to get Michigan to avoid oversight of charter schools, schools that are owned, often, by private companies? “Knope.” Does Oversized Pin on Leslie Knope’s Blazer claim to be experienced enough to be the Secretary of Eduction? “Knope.” Would Oversized Pin on Leslie Knope’s Blazer appear to plagiarize answers to a test issued by Congress? “Knope.” Now, that‘d be a Secretary of Education/Oversized Pin you could trust.

Elephant Candelabra on The Queen’s Desk in The Queen

Republicanism, it should be noted, gives a bad name to elephants, a species that has been through more than enough (no thanks to the Leader’s progeny). With Republicanism’s face becoming more sinister in its current state as an enabler of fascism, appointing this Elephant Candelabra on the Queen’s Desk to be Secretary of Education would be a very good opportunity for elephants to reclaim their image. More to the point, Elephant Candelabra on the Queen’s Desk would also, simply, be a better Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos. Because it’s a candelabra, it’s unlikely that it could buy its way into its position. Also, as a candelabra, the potential for religious bias to be driving its policy is low. DeVos can’t hold a candle to Elephant Candelabra on the Queen’s Desk.

Headrest From Which Michelle Obama Is Leaning Away in Southside With You

Michelle Obama may be leaning away from Headrest From Which Michelle Obama Is Leaning Away in last year’s presidential indie romance (yes, another presidential indie romance), but what’s so impressive about this headrest is that it won’t lean away from her. This is a very good indication of the way that Headrest From Which Michelle Obama Is Leaning Away would also approach public schooling in its oversight to the Department of Education. Unlike DeVos, whose idea about public school is to fix problems by taking money away from them and pouring that money into private and for-profit schools, this Headrest is the structural paragon of undying support.

This Particular Upper Left Piece of Confetti Next to Prime Minister Hugh Grant in Love Actually

Why would This Particular Upper Left Piece of Confetti Next to Prime Minister Hugh Grant would a much better Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos? The answer all boils down to privilege. This Particular Upper Left Piece of Confetti was brought into the world with nearly nothing, an unostentatious square with no possessions. Its sole purpose was to exist for and perform with its fellow pieces of confetti, all of whom are pictured here. The lightly socialist implications of its existence imply that the group is greater than the sum of its parts. A single “confetto,” by its very nature, is a preposterous thing: a “confetto” alone is meaningless. Ms. DeVos is the daughter-in-law of a billionaire, and owns a 20,000 square foot lake house. This Particular Upper Left Piece of Confetti, meanwhile, has never been entitled enough to ask for anything except to flutter from the ceiling, and to relish the simplicity of that experience. That’s a lesson our kids could use.

Urinal Adjacent to Harvey Milk in Milk

Though Harvey Milk would, if he were still with us, certainly have been a better candidate for any form of political office than Betsy DeVos, it’s undeniable that the urinal next to him in this image from Milk would also have been a preferable pick. While this urinal likely comes equipped with a deodorizer block, a press-down flusher, and high walls to minimize splatter, Betsy DeVos comes equipped with a desire to gut the public school system. It’s not hard to see who’d be the better Secretary of Education.

Hefty Portion of Peas Beneath Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Albus Dumbledore may be a powerful wizard and thoughtful educator, but Hefty Portion of Peas Beneath Albus Dumbledore has likewise proven a more able candidate than Betsy DeVos for the position of Secretary of Education. While DeVos likely thinks of all public schoolers as little more than peas in a large bowl, Hefty Portion of Peas Beneath Albus Dumbledore understands firsthand the feeling of erasure and neglect that comes from being seen as nothing else. As the 1% literally stares down at Hefty Portion of Peas Beneath Albus Dumbledore in this photo, ready to eat its constituent peas, both literally and metaphorically, what goes unspoken — perhaps because it speaks for itself — is that Hefty Portion of Peas Beneath Albus Dumbledore would, if it had been given a chance through better schooling and a less immobilizing system (unlike the one Betsy DeVos is about to exacerbate), have made for an excellent educative politician.

This Tennis Ball That’s About to Be Inserted Into George W. Bush’s Dog Barney’s Mouth in W

Tennis Ball That’s About to Be Inserted Into George W. Bush’s Dog Barney’s Mouth has spent a lot of time in a Scottish Terrier’s mouth. Do you think, after that trauma, it’d be open to giving in to the will of a presidential Scottish Terror? The qualification is right there in the photo, friends, and I believe (though I of course cannot state as fact) that fitting into the mouth of a Scottie is a qualification you’ll find nowhere on Ms. DeVos’ CV.

This Broccoli Rabe Dish Next to Meryl Streep’s Violin Teacher Character in Music of the Heart

There’s a disheartening dearth of stills of Meryl Streep next to amusing objects in Music of the Heart. But I’ve crudely pasted a broccoli rabe dish beside Streep. And now that it’s there, it deserves to be said that this broccoli rabe dish would be a better Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos.

This Frowning Nun’s Wimple in Selma

Betsy DeVos has donated a total of some $100 million to Christian schools and has said that she wants to “advance God’s kingdom” through education. Since it may seem that DeVos wants to throw the proverbial wimple on all children, it’d be far more direct to simply have This Frowning Nun’s Wimple in Selma controlling the Department of Education.