Conservatives are many things, but one thing they are not is funny. I mean, think about it. Beyond poor defenseless Tim Allen, cowering in his mansion as he peers out on the fascist liberal hordes of Hollywood, how many conservative comic actors and comedians you can think of? I guess you might argue that Donald Trump’s healthcare “plan” is a sort of ongoing large-scale exercise is very, very dark comedy, but beyond that, the cupboard is pretty bare.
But! One man — one brave, Christian man — is trying to buck this trend. Step forward Mick Huckabee, whose Twitter account has undergone a curious transformation over the last few months, from the usual evangelical fire-and-brimstone bullshit to a strange, strange brand of… well, I guess you could call it humor?
And so on. These tweets are, objectively, not funny. In the slightest. Still, one doesn’t to discourage a budding comedian, right? And hey, while these tweets are not funny by any conventional metric, there are things in this world that are less funny, which means that by comparison to those things, the Huckster’s tweets are downright hilarious. So, in the spirit of charity and goodwill, here is a complete list of the things in comparison to which Mike Huckabee’s Twitter jokes are, in fact, funny. And the only way is up, right? This list can only grow! Keep trying, Mike!
WHEREAS, the Twitter account of Michael Dale Huckabee is deemed officially more amusing than the following:
– Most forms of cancer
– Mass extinction due to unconstrained global warming, and the surety that future generations will look at those alive today and ask how in god’s name we could be completely aware of the dangers of unconstrained carbon dioxide emissions and yet make no action to curb them
– Donald Trump’s Twitter account
– The Big Bang Theory
– The continued presence of Bill Maher on American television
– Kellyanne Conway’s stand-up comedy, which is an actual thing that happened
– Back-alley abortions
– Permalancing
– Several jokes
– Jackass
– Those “How much do you need to save for your retirement?” app things that honestly could save everyone a lot of effort by just being a screen that says “LOL HAVE FUN WORKING TIL YOU DIE”
– Trevor Noah
– Aetna
– Peter Thiel
– Shaquille O’Neal
– Buprenorphine
– The inevitable evolution of the term “fake news” from a descriptor of political propaganda presented as if it were objective fact into a meaningless phrase thrown around by politicians in an attempt to discredit actual news reports that are unfavorable to them
– Self-referential irony as a means of excusing one’s own lack of humor
– It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
– Depression
– Working while suffering from depression
– Working while suffering from depression, in a job that makes you depressed, in order to pay for antidepressants
– Alec Baldwin
– Death