That ‘Justice League’ Movie Is Gonna Be So Fucking Long

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Have no fear, shell-shocked moviegoers, your complaints have been heard and your prayers have been answered. After last year’s shit sandwich of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad, a one-two punch of joyless spectacle, unearned ennui, and aggressive tedium, the folks behind the “DC Extended Universe” have determined that what we want is… longer movies. What’s that now?

The many, many, many blockbuster blogs are reporting that Justice League, Zack Snyder’s next installment in the relentlessly emo superhero series, will run a staggering 170 minutes. No, that’s not a typo. A one, and then a seven, and then a zero. One hundred and seventy minutes. That’s just shy of three hours. Nearly three hours of growling, punching, bad CGI, cardboard characters, and comically clumsy religious symbolism. Hew boy.

As ScreenRant notes, that would make Justice League the longest goddamn superhero movie ever made, five minutes longer than The Dark Knight Rises, 19 minutes longer than Batman v Superman, 27 minutes longer than Man of Steel. But hey, why stop there? That also means Justice League will be 28 minutes longer than The Shawshank Redemption, 24 minutes longer than Goodfellas, 21 minutes longer than 2001, 17 minutes longer than Apocalypse Now, 16 minutes longer than Pulp Fiction, 15 minutes longer than Boogie Nights, nine minutes longer than Bridge on the River Kwai, three minutes longer than Solaris, and one minute longer than Saving Private Ryan.

But hey, I’m sure Zack Snyder has way more to say than any of those stupid movies, which don’t even have superheroes punching things in them, what a bunch of nerds.