Love in the Time of Doom: Man Troubles in the Boudoir


Welcome to this week’s installment of Love in the Time of Doom, a weekly column written by Flavorpill’s resident relationship expert and metal enthusiast, Lord Grimmak of the planet Arkonia. He’s like ALF meets Dr. Ruth meets Darkthrone. Please submit any questions concerning love, romance, and human relationships to him directly at raiseyourhorns [at] and he shall duly answer them to the best of his abilities each Friday afternoon.

Read on for Grimmak’s most excellent advice on a super private issue of the heart after the jump.

Dear Lord Grimmak,

I have a cliched and embarrassing, but earnest question to ask. My boyfriend of two years and I have had a great sex life (like pretty much the best I’ve ever had), but lately, he’s been having trouble, um, calling his sailor to attention, even when he seems really revving to go. He’s only 29, so I can’t imagine he’s old enough to need Viagra. He apologizes profusely, and gets really upset when this happens, and I’m left at a loss for what to do. I tell him it’s OK, but he seems to get even more frustrated and cranky, to the point where he’ll even get dressed and go for a long walk by himself. What am I doing wrong?

Ingeborg the Frustrated

Dear Ingeborg,

The human sexual organs are so finicky and delicate, it’s a wonder how you have managed to overpopulate the planet. Ingeborg, it’s important that you not blame yourself here. Your boyfriend’s difficulty getting it up can be caused by myriad factors in his life and body. If he’s a heavy drinker, or if he eats a lot of crap, this might affect his performance. If he’s stressed or distracted by work (these are, after all, tough economic times), or if some kind of family problem is bothering him, he may also have trouble rising to the occasion. Next time this happens, just calm him down, and continue doing sexy stuff. Full-on intercourse isn’t the only way to be intimate, and maybe doing other stuff if his member fails may soothe him to the point where he starts functioning normally again.

A more difficult possibility to consider is that there are problems in your relationship beyond your sex life. Has he been acting distant outside of the bedroom? Has anything else changed besides the limpness of his noodle? Talk to him about it, but make sure to assure him that you still find him sexy and all that. Human males put most of their egos between their legs, and they can be really defensive about that particular appendage. He needs communicate with you and tell you what is bothering him. Throwing a tantrum and leaving you cold like that is rather inconsiderate, and it hints at something more than merely sexual frustration. It most likely isn’t a strictly physiological problem. Maybe you guys need to plan a weekend getaway together or something.

On this front, I do not envy your species. Arkonian males have nearly a thousand reproductive protrusions, and the likelihood of them all failing is minimal. On our planet, the spam we get in our inboxes offers to increase the number of organs we have rather than enlarge them, although in some niche stores, we can purchase devices that help engorge many different parts of our translucent, mucous-covered bodies. To each his own, I guess.

P.S. If you need help getting in the mood, try putting on Lifelover’s second album, Erotik. It’s sexy.