How Can We Teach the President of the United States to Spell “Heal”?


Great God in heaven is our president stupid. It’s an element of his personality that doesn’t really get talked about the way it did with, say, Sarah Palin, or George W. Bush, or Dan Quayle – though he’s dumber than any of them, easily. But it’s not hard to understand why that’s not the focus of our concerns with him, what with all the racism and Islamophobia and sexual assault and cronyism and corruption.

But still. This morning – during what we’ve determined is his usual toilet Tweeting time – Trump decided to comment on the ongoing recovery from Hurricane Harvey, a natural disaster that’s turned out to be quite the PR triumph for him (snort). Here’s what he came up with:

Holy sweet baby Jesus, how does the most powerful man in the country keep misspelling a four-letter word, THIS IS TOO EMBARRASSING.

Recall, if you will, that the staggeringly simple distinction between “heal” and “heel,” a variation that most grade school children can make, has already publicly tripped up the Commander-In-Chief. Back on August 19, following his loathsome attempt to frame the giant counter-protest to a Boston white supremacist rally as a gathering of “anti-police agitators,” Trump tweeted this:

And then, a half-hour later, while trying to correct “divided for decade,” he somehow fucked “heal” up again:

He finally got it right on the third try, but the damage was done; by then, even the damn dictionary was trolling him:

And Trump is right: it is important that we come together in times of trouble and “heal.” So let’s put our heads together – we’re a smart country, events of 11/9/16 notwithstanding – and brainstorm some ways to teach Mr. Trump the difference between “heal” and “heal.” I’ll get the ball rolling!

1) Put it on a cake! Make it “the most beautiful chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen.” He remembers cake! Something like this:

2) Make a giant banner, and hang it in a dressing room. Tell him the room is full of underage pageant contestants changing clothes. He’ll run right in!

3) Put it in an email with the subject lineRe: Russia – Clinton – private and confidential.”

4) Get them to do a segment about it on Fox and Friends .

5) Tell him President Obama passed a law allowing people to confuse “heel” and “heal” on Twitter. He’ll write up an executive order prohibiting it, toot sweet! Undoing the legislative achievements of the black guy who humiliated him at a party once is pretty much all that drives him, politically speaking.

6) Speaking of which, we could put it on the one piece of paper Donald Trump is guaranteed to look at:

These ideas are just the beginning! C’mon, disruptors, let’s do this!