Book Excerpt: Celebrate the Holidays at the @FakeThemePark

By
Share:

We love when a Flavorwire alum makes good — Michelle Dean’s book Sharp is popping up on year-end best-of lists and the first look is up for her Hulu true crime anthology series, Judy Berman is killing it as TIME’s new TV critic, Alison Herman has been killing it as the Ringer’s TV critic, Jason Bailey’s fourth book was released this year, etc. etc. — so it delights us to report that former social media manager Jason Ginsburg has turned his successful @FakeThemePark Twitter account into an uproarious new book.

If the Princess Rolls Her Eyes, Your Wish Will Come True (available now via Kindle), as with the Twitter feed, concerns “a fictional, unnamed park that combines all the best — and all the very worst — of Disneyland, Universal Studios, SeaWorld, and Six Flags,” according to Ginsburg, who knows of what he speaks; he spent nearly a decade at Universal Studios Hollywood, serving as a VIP tour guide, show host, PA announcer, and character performer. The book (a steal at $5 and a free read for Kindle Unlimited subscribers) combines the best of the Twitter and Facebook material with new material, including a timeline of park history and the first-ever interview with all the Park Princesses.

We’re thrilled to present this date-appropriate excerpt — a rundown of the park’s various holiday spectaculars.

PARK HOLIDAY EVENTS: BOOK NOW FOR 2026! JIMMY JAGUAR’S JOYOUS JOLLY CHRISTMAS PARTY (requires tickets to New Year’s Eve Fireworks) A jubilant new stage show! Jimmy’s hosting a Christmas party and all his friends from outside his canon who should not exist in his storytelling universe are dropping by! Be confused when Princess Cupcake falls in love with Captain Lightning, even though the two characters have never and will never appear in the same movie! PRINCESS SNOWFLAKE OWNS CHRISTMAS (requires tickets to Jimmy Jaguar’s Joyous Jolly Christmas Party) In this classic story that was not at all slapped together at the last minute to take advantage of a briefly popular character, Princess Snowflake uses her magic powers to “ice” Princess Cupcake, “freeze” Princess Marigold, and “melt” Princess Rainbow! Watch Princess Rainbow’s expression when Princess Snowflake transforms her beloved Rainbow Castle into a glimmering ice palace! HOLIDAYS AROUND THE WORLD (requires tickets to Princess Snowflake Owns Christmas) Did you know that not everyone is Christian? Take a tour of primitive nations and learn about their mistaken heathen beliefs. You’ll encounter ridiculous gods that Jesus Christ would easily defeat and learn how Christianity took legends of fairies, vampires, and dragons and turned them into much more exciting stories about a man with two sons who owns an orchard! TORCHLIGHT PROCESSIONAL (requires tickets to Holidays Around the World) Not enough Christianity for you? Listen to the thrilling drama of a baby being born in a barn read by celebrity narrators such as Diana Muldaur from the second season of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and Richard Moll from “Night Court”! JINGLE BELL, JINGLE BLAMMO! (requires tickets to Torchlight Processional) What about our less popular characters, like Captain Lightning and Jenny Jaguar and that Professor guy from the 80s? They’ve all come together for a Christmas spectacular completely different from all the other holiday events at the park! Yes, there are songs and weird jokes and dumb puns and small-scale pyrotechnics, but it’s so very different! SANTA’S SECRET OFF-THE-BOOKS CHALET (requires tickets to Jingle Bell, Jingle Blammo!) If there’s one place you can meet Santa in the park—and there literally is only one—this is it! Create the ultimate holiday card with a photo from the jolly old man himself! [NOTE: Guest cameras not allowed. Photos must be purchased from park photographers. Price will vary upwards while quality will vary in the other direction.] NEW YEAR’S EVE FIREWORKS (requires tickets to Santa’s Secret Off-the-Books Chalet) Did you think we forgot about New Year’s Eve? Because children mostly care about Christmas? And New Year’s Eve is an inherently less interesting holiday? You’d be wrong! Drink champagne and watch fireworks at our very, very, VERY special fireworks show that’s unique and different and interesting! The songs will all be, uh….country music! Bet you didn’t expect that! Please note that holiday events may include loud noises due to the speakers being turned all the way up. May not be suitable for non-Christians, including most Catholics. Also, all holiday events are sold out.

Excerpted from “If the Princess Rolls Her Eyes, Your Wish Will Come True” by Jason Ginsburg (available now via Kindle), all rights reserved.