Screw This I’m Not Even Nominated, I’m Getting Wasted, Wearing a Cowboy Hat, and Bringing a Russian Stripper Who Doesn’t Speak English As My Date Award: Mickey Rourke
Apples and Oranges Award for Biggest Disparity in Looks: Penelope Cruz and Harvey Weinstein, who were interviewed together on the red carpet.
Dude Who Still Pulls Off an Earring Even Though They Went Out of Style for Men When He Was in High School Award: Colin Farrell.
Fanciest Name for Stupidest Thing Award: E’s Glam Cam 360
Weirdest Hairstyle, but She’s Preggers So Whatever, Anything Goes, She Glows, etc. Award: Amy Adams
Award for Worst Pronunciation of Gabourey Sidibe: Mickey Rourke
Best Pronunciation of Gabourey Sidibe: Helen Mirren. Say what you will the British upper class, but their diction is unparalleled!
Jane Jetson Memorial Award for Actress Who Looks Like She Arrived Straight from a Funeral in the Year 2110: January Jones
Joke That’s Funny Now But Won’t Make Sense Five Years for Now When You Catch a Re-Run Award: Ricky Gervais for the line, “Let’s get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno.”
Best Joke No One Laughed at Because Americans Don’t Know What the Word “Loo” Means: Toni Collette
Best Supporting Actor: William Hurt’s Beard
Why Am I Still Getting Nominated, My Show Hasn’t Been Funny for Years Award: Entourage, Jeremy Piven
Presenter Whose Own History of Psychedelic Drug Use Has Burned Out His Brain so Irreparably That, Ironically, He Ruins a Pretty Funny Drug-Related Joke Due to Poor Memorization and Sloppy Line Delivery: Paul McCartney, for the line, “Animation is not just for children. It’s for adults who take drugs.”
Runner Up: Paul McCartney for the line, “My name is Paul McCartney, or, as I’m now known, that guy from Rock Band.”
Best Forehead Joke: Neil Patrick Harris describing his own giant forehead as a “Five-Head.”
Creepy Incest Award: Michael C. Hall, who, it was revealed, is real-life married to the actress who plays his sister on Dexter. Ewww!
The Bruce Springsteen Award for Song That Gets the Golden Globe Because It’s Going to Get Snubbed by Oscar Even Though It Deserves to Win Award: “The Weary Kind (Theme From Crazy Heart)”
Best (Unwitting?) Seinfeld Reference: Meryl “I Want to Change My Name to T-Bone” Streep
Best Fast Times at Ridgemont High Reference: Drew Barrymore, referring to her role in Grey Gardens as being like, “Jeff Spicoli’s girlfriend, with the lisp and the paralysis.”
Worst Snub that Wasn’t Actually a Snub Because No One Expected Them To Win, Let Alone Be Nominated: Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, Best Screenplay, for District 9
Best Sarah Palin Impersonation Award: Sophia Loren
Kurt Cobain Circa 1992 Kool-Aid Dyed, Middle-Parted Haircut and Scruffy Half-Beard Because I Want Everyone to Know That the Douche-bag I Play on Mad Men Isn’t Actually Me Award: Vincent Kartheiser aka Pete Campbell
Best Joke: Ricky Gervais, “I like to drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.”
Worst Joke: The next man actually was Mel Gibson! They still let this guy on TV?
Bill Gates Award for Biggest Dork Even Though He’s, Like, the Richest Dude Ever: James Cameron, who spoke in the stupid made-up language from Avatar during his acceptance speech.
We Basically Won Just Because It’s Funny to Have Mike Tyson on Stage Award: The Hangover
Thank God It Didn’t Win Considering It Was Nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, Considering It Wasn’t a Comedy, a Musical, or Any Good: (500) Days of Summer
Tracy Morgan Award for Best Off-the-Dome Acceptance Speech: Robert Downey Jr.
Award for Obligatory, “OK Kids, Go to Bed Now,” mention: Julia Roberts
Adam Wilson regularly covers the TV/pop culture beat over at The Faster Times.