Round III: “Business Casual” This category was a trick. Hipsters don’t do “business,” so we sure don’t do “business casual.” If you must hold down a 9 to 5, do yourself a favor and adopt a kitschy work persona: Mad Men-style ’60s secretary or sexy librarian both work well.
Round IV: “Cocktail” (a.k.a. “Dive bar”) Dresses: Yes: Vintage or vintage-inspired only. Must have sleeves. Bonus points for dresses that reference a specific time period: ’20s, ’60s or ’90s Dresses worn over pants or leggings in contrasting color. A classic Frumpy/maternal/knit Tribal. We don’t care if it cost you $500 on sale — it had better look like some lady in Africa wove it by hand No: Tweed, solid colors or anything that looks like you could have worn it to the office Tube (unless metallic) Shoes: Same guidelines as above, but remember, if you’re going out, you’ll be getting so trashed/coked up that you can barely stand. Make sure to plan all heel height/width choices accordingly.
Round V: “Brunch” Another trick round. Wear exactly the same clothing you wore last night; make sure it’s rumpled and smells of cheap beer. Otherwise, everyone will know you didn’t get laid.
Additional notes on Clothing: Just about any article of clothing can be justified as “ironic.” The most important hipster style rule is to walk around with a big, rueful smile on your face, as if to say, “Yeah. I know this get-up is ridiculous — and that’s how I like it.” If you do not know if something is appropriate, email us a photo of yourself wearing it. Once we stop laughing at you/posting said photo to our fashion blog, we’ll give our honest opinion.
Accessories: We expect EVERYONE to be wearing accessories. How else will you express your whimsical, eclectic uniqueness? Jewelry: Yes: Wear as much as possible. Bonus points for: plastic; kids’ jewelry; buttons and other old, tarnished crap from the junk store Native American-themed. Please, don’t stop to wonder whether it’s offensive for a middle-class 25-year-old to be wearing Pocahontas’ headdress. Who cares? It’s hip Feathers (I know I’m just saying) No: Tiffany, gold, diamond or other jewelry that may be construed as “expensive” or “nice” Stud earrings. Hipsters have one earring rule, and it’s this: Go big or go home Glasses: A must whether you need them or not, and the bigger the better. Bonus points for thick frames, bright colors or aviators Mustache: Required on men; preferable on women Tattoos: Yes: Ironic: Hearts that say “Mom” in them, anchors, pinup girls, etc. Nerdy: An homage to your favorite cartoon character? Yes, please. We like our tattoos like we like our produce: local. Brooklynites should consider water towers or the Domino Sugar sign No: Tramp stamps Stars, hearts (other than those mentioned above), butterflies. What is this, your sorority initiation? Chinese characters. You may well be getting “I’m a jackass” tattooed on your bicep, for all you know Watches: Are you crazy? Wearing a watch is like admitting you need to be somewhere at a certain time. A definite “don’t.” Hair: Wash as rarely as possible. Who wants bouncy, shiny hair when you could have the kind of greasy coif that says, “I just went on a week-long bender, and I don’t regret a minute of it!”?
Additional notes on grooming: Never, never wear deodorant. B.O. is one of the main ways hipsters attract mates. Haven’t you heard of pheromones?
Image via ‘Lil on Flickr