The Twilight Saga: New Moon
This movie was nominated for Worst Screenplay, Worst Sequel, and Worst Screen Couple, but somehow missed out on the glory of Worst Picture. We assumed that the fact that Taylor Lautner’s abs were more defined than any of the characters or dialogue made it a shoe-in. Bonus points for a ponderous plod of a soundtrack, featuring some truly terrible offerings from otherwise entertaining artists.
Megan Fox is really, really hot. So hot that her body kills people. This was essentially the premise behind the sexploitation flick Jennifer’s Body, in which Fox is subjected to a satanic ritual and transforms into a succubus, proceeding to devour men in order to sustain her existence. Amanda Seyfried, far away from the glossy sheen of Mamma Mia!, eventually ends the carnage with a box-cutter blow to Fox’s heart.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Kevin James has a knack for slapstick, but there’s only so many fat jokes you can cram into one movie. The mustache is fantastic, the movie much less so, and the screeching gut fat-on-mall tiles slide is worse than fingers on a chalkboard. This is the kind of movie where Blart blows up a Rainforest Cafe, villains are X-Games caliber bicyclists and skateboarders, and a mall evacuation scene is set to “Detroit Rock City.” Don’t forget the hot sauce called “The Devil’s Crotch.”
Nicolas Cage! A solar flare destroying Earth, and only alien “Strangers” can save us! Quotes like: “The caves won’t save us! Nothing can!” Aside from heavy-handed religious overtones of repentance and implications of a modern Rapture of believers, Knowing is like an apocalyptic The Number 23, minus Jim Carrey’s hairstyle and substituting Nicolas Cage’s over the top glowering and shocked expressions. The trailer says that “people see what they want to see,” but unless you’re studying unintentional comedy, it shouldn’t be this movie.
The Final Destination
The tagline? “Death saved the best for 3D.” The trailer alone should be enough to convince you this movie is far, far from the best. The deaths? Decapitation by flying car tire, brain compression by flying rock, body strained into pieces by a fence, body suctioned through pool drainage system, hit-and-run by an ambulance (how ironic!), movie theater explosion, and semi-truck accident. Life lessons learned: watch out for flying objects, don’t go to racetracks, don’t get your haircut, don’t mow your lawn, don’t swim, don’t use escalators, and definitely don’t go to movie theaters to watch The Final Destination.