The Razzies are a Hollywood institution, awarding the hilariously worst of movie-making for thirty years now. They are conceivably even more interesting than the actual Oscars, considering the Oscars have never dragged Tom Green off the stage because he refused to stop playing the harmonica.
The nominees for the 2009 season have just been announced, with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Will Ferrell’s execrable Land Of The Lost “leading” the pack with seven nominations each. However, unlike the Oscars the Razzies are still confined to only five Worst Picture Nominees (All About Steve, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Land of the Lost, Old Dogs, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to be exact), leaving out notable films that surely deserve recognition for their failures.
After the jump are a few movies we would have included. Tell us which ones you think should have made the cut.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
This movie was nominated for Worst Screenplay, Worst Sequel, and Worst Screen Couple, but somehow missed out on the glory of Worst Picture. We assumed that the fact that Taylor Lautner’s abs were more defined than any of the characters or dialogue made it a shoe-in. Bonus points for a ponderous plod of a soundtrack, featuring some truly terrible offerings from otherwise entertaining artists.
Megan Fox is really, really hot. So hot that her body kills people. This was essentially the premise behind the sexploitation flick Jennifer’s Body, in which Fox is subjected to a satanic ritual and transforms into a succubus, proceeding to devour men in order to sustain her existence. Amanda Seyfried, far away from the glossy sheen of Mamma Mia!, eventually ends the carnage with a box-cutter blow to Fox’s heart.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Kevin James has a knack for slapstick, but there’s only so many fat jokes you can cram into one movie. The mustache is fantastic, the movie much less so, and the screeching gut fat-on-mall tiles slide is worse than fingers on a chalkboard. This is the kind of movie where Blart blows up a Rainforest Cafe, villains are X-Games caliber bicyclists and skateboarders, and a mall evacuation scene is set to “Detroit Rock City.” Don’t forget the hot sauce called “The Devil’s Crotch.”
Nicolas Cage! A solar flare destroying Earth, and only alien “Strangers” can save us! Quotes like: “The caves won’t save us! Nothing can!” Aside from heavy-handed religious overtones of repentance and implications of a modern Rapture of believers, Knowing is like an apocalyptic The Number 23, minus Jim Carrey’s hairstyle and substituting Nicolas Cage’s over the top glowering and shocked expressions. The trailer says that “people see what they want to see,” but unless you’re studying unintentional comedy, it shouldn’t be this movie.
The Final Destination
The tagline? “Death saved the best for 3D.” The trailer alone should be enough to convince you this movie is far, far from the best. The deaths? Decapitation by flying car tire, brain compression by flying rock, body strained into pieces by a fence, body suctioned through pool drainage system, hit-and-run by an ambulance (how ironic!), movie theater explosion, and semi-truck accident. Life lessons learned: watch out for flying objects, don’t go to racetracks, don’t get your haircut, don’t mow your lawn, don’t swim, don’t use escalators, and definitely don’t go to movie theaters to watch The Final Destination.