Brunch: Because breakfast is too early Ironic bacon and eggs Unironic bacon and eggs Country ham and other soon-to-be-trendy pig products Bourbon-soaked French toast: The perfect solution to a late-night, small-batch liquor spill Yogurt: The expensive, foreign, unsweetened kind. Try spelling it “yoghurt” Oatmeal: The chunky, Irish kind that takes two hours to make. Hey, it’s not like you have a job to worry about Huevos rancheros: Mexican food makes you sound gritty and cultured at the same time Grits: An easy way to convince people you’ve been to the South The high-end Egg McMuffin: All the blue-collar street cred, none of the indigestion Eggs Benedict: Learn how to poach an egg, impress the lady sleeping off last night’s bender in your bed Tofu scramble: Make vegan brunch, impress the hottie buying spirulina at the co-op The happy hangover: Locally sourced hamburger topped with free-range egg The sad hangover: Cigarettes and black coffee and maybe a shot of whiskey
[Image via Chromewavesdotorg on Flickr]
Appetizers: Stuff to eat when you’re cracked out Finding the right locally-sourced paté for you Cheese: The stinkier it is, the more sophisticated people will think you are American cheese: An ironist’s best friend Things you can wrap in bacon Around the world in obscure, regional potato chip flavors PBR-battered onion rings PBR-battered tofu PBR-battered PBR Iceberg wedge, dressing on the side: For when the mere mention of any other food makes you nauseous
[Image via melisdramatic on Flickr]
Entrées: Stuff to eat when you’re stoned Introduction: Balancing high-end and low-end to retain cultural capital Slumming hipster — Barbecue: The working man’s filet mignon Meatloaf: Just like your rich mom’s housekeeper used to make Stirfry: The last resort of the broke and vegetarian Deep-fried everything: The cooking technique that will change your life Ramen gourmet: How to make the only meal you can afford (until Daddy’s next check comes in) taste like David Chang made it Mexican food 101: Hard-shell tacos kits are for suburbans Haute hipster — Organic, free-range, locally-sourced meats you can eat raw Steak: Because meat-and-potatoes men are having a retro moment A field guide to bitter, multi-colored farmer’s market greens your friends probably haven’t heard of Red meat + brown liquor marinade = date night
[via Mr Michael Phams on Flickr]
Desserts Artisanal ice cream: Who wants vanilla when you could have lime-basil-chili pepper? Know your cocoa content, or why you can never buy Hershey’s Jello mold: Because you’re hip enough to pull it off Cakes, pies, and cookies you can soak in booze Rebel sweets: Everyday desserts made edgier with savory ingredients Marshmallows and fluff: The ultimate in post-meal nostalgia
Beverages Hard alcohols: A guide — Whiskey, bourbon, Scotch: Your authentic, often Southern, yet satisfyingly pricey holy grail Gin: Retro cocktails, pls Vodka: Screwdrivers, Bloody Marys and other hair-of-the-dog brunch drinks Rum: Mai tais, daiquiris, and other kitschy tropical drinks Tequila: Off limits unless smuggled back from Mexican roadtrip; strictly for bros Beers: The essential dichotomy — Budget swill: PBR, Schlitz, Natty Boh, Beast, Schaefer, Rheingold, and (for the truly “hardcore”) off-brand 40s Microbrews: Which artisanal IPAs with a witty, culturally literate name is right for you?
*No we didn’t. We totally made this up.