Exclusive: Hipster Cookbook Table of Contents Leaks

By Judy Berman

Whether they’re your style icons or your favorite punching bags, people can’t stop talking, reading, or writing about hipsters (ourselves included). So, at a time when the blog Look at This Fucking Hipster is now a hyped book by the same name, is it any wonder that Houghton Mifflin Harcourt is merging the meme with our culture’s current food obsession? Get ready for Chubster, a “humorous… diet book” for hipsters. Can’t control your excitement? Simmer down. We’ve gotten our hands on* the book’s official Table of Contents.

Brunch: Because breakfast is too early Ironic bacon and eggs Unironic bacon and eggs Country ham and other soon-to-be-trendy pig products Bourbon-soaked French toast: The perfect solution to a late-night, small-batch liquor spill Yogurt: The expensive, foreign, unsweetened kind. Try spelling it “yoghurt” Oatmeal: The chunky, Irish kind that takes two hours to make. Hey, it’s not like you have a job to worry about Huevos rancheros: Mexican food makes you sound gritty and cultured at the same time Grits: An easy way to convince people you’ve been to the South The high-end Egg McMuffin: All the blue-collar street cred, none of the indigestion Eggs Benedict: Learn how to poach an egg, impress the lady sleeping off last night’s bender in your bed Tofu scramble: Make vegan brunch, impress the hottie buying spirulina at the co-op The happy hangover: Locally sourced hamburger topped with free-range egg The sad hangover: Cigarettes and black coffee and maybe a shot of whiskey

[Image via Chromewavesdotorg on Flickr]

Appetizers: Stuff to eat when you’re cracked out Finding the right locally-sourced paté for you Cheese: The stinkier it is, the more sophisticated people will think you are American cheese: An ironist’s best friend Things you can wrap in bacon Around the world in obscure, regional potato chip flavors PBR-battered onion rings PBR-battered tofu PBR-battered PBR Iceberg wedge, dressing on the side: For when the mere mention of any other food makes you nauseous

[Image via melisdramatic on Flickr]

Entrées: Stuff to eat when you’re stoned Introduction: Balancing high-end and low-end to retain cultural capital Slumming hipster — Barbecue: The working man’s filet mignon Meatloaf: Just like your rich mom’s housekeeper used to make Stirfry: The last resort of the broke and vegetarian Deep-fried everything: The cooking technique that will change your life Ramen gourmet: How to make the only meal you can afford (until Daddy’s next check comes in) taste like David Chang made it Mexican food 101: Hard-shell tacos kits are for suburbans Haute hipster — Organic, free-range, locally-sourced meats you can eat raw Steak: Because meat-and-potatoes men are having a retro moment A field guide to bitter, multi-colored farmer’s market greens your friends probably haven’t heard of Red meat + brown liquor marinade = date night

[via Mr Michael Phams on Flickr]

Desserts Artisanal ice cream: Who wants vanilla when you could have lime-basil-chili pepper? Know your cocoa content, or why you can never buy Hershey’s Jello mold: Because you’re hip enough to pull it off Cakes, pies, and cookies you can soak in booze Rebel sweets: Everyday desserts made edgier with savory ingredients Marshmallows and fluff: The ultimate in post-meal nostalgia

Beverages Hard alcohols: A guide — Whiskey, bourbon, Scotch: Your authentic, often Southern, yet satisfyingly pricey holy grail Gin: Retro cocktails, pls Vodka: Screwdrivers, Bloody Marys and other hair-of-the-dog brunch drinks Rum: Mai tais, daiquiris, and other kitschy tropical drinks Tequila: Off limits unless smuggled back from Mexican roadtrip; strictly for bros Beers: The essential dichotomy — Budget swill: PBR, Schlitz, Natty Boh, Beast, Schaefer, Rheingold, and (for the truly “hardcore”) off-brand 40s Microbrews: Which artisanal IPAs with a witty, culturally literate name is right for you?

*No we didn’t. We totally made this up.