A few months back we were in an editorial meeting for Flavorwire where every staffer was required to bring in a post from another blog that they’d enjoyed. Leah Taylor brought in a piece about The Hills by Gawker’s Richard Lawson, swearing up and down that even if you didn’t watch the show, you’d get hooked into following his weekly recaps thanks to the breathless, hilarious writing.
She was right.
In fact, months (and an entirely different series) later it has gotten to the point where we look forward to reading Richard’s Gossip Girl recaps more than we enjoy watching the show. How messed up (and meta) is that? After the jump, find our five favorite lines — or at least the ones that made us chortle Diet Coke — from his most recent (and perhaps best ever) GG post.
On a self-related side note, we want a Richard. We’re looking for a talented (funny!) TV writer who might be interested in whipping up some similar material for Flavorwire; if you know anyone who would be good have them send a resume, a list of their favorite shows, and some recent clips to tips [at] flavorwire [dot] com.
5. “He and Hyacinth liked to go have coffee and talk about how Dan’s writing is just so fucking good — he makes references to Cordelia, the most obvious and accessible character in all of… Buffy! — and then they do some eyeball tonsil hockey and then the bell rings and it’s school time.”
4. “Gossip Girl, who I’ve decided is probably Bart Bass, immediately posted something about the alleged affair and little Jenny Humphrey wrote it all on her arm, like that dude in Memento.”
3. “And she was jealous that Mrs. Chips wouldn’t read her paper on King Lear with the same beady-eyed sexual magnetism as she had when she reread, for like the eighth time!, Dan’s beautiful story about feeling alone, called ‘A Night Without Armor 2: High Noon at Mega Mountain.'”
2. “See what had happened was, Serena had put on her rollerskates and was fart-propelling herself around town (that’s what she does when she is sad), and she had gazed wistfully into a cafe.”
1. “Somewhere Dan Brown, who should marry Stephanie Meyer and then their wedding should be firebombed, clapped his hands and said ‘By jingo Gossip Girl, you’re cookin’ with gas now! This is some good writing!'”
Bonus line: “I hope their final scene is in some big Illuminati climax episode that has Chuck wielding the power of a magical skeleton or something and Nate and Vanessa are in big, furry, perfectly white winter adventure costumes and the villain, Lady Blairsdad von Buggery, grabs them and says ‘I’ll gut them like beautiful, beautiful fish, I swear I will Bass!'”