If Other Clothing Chains Described Their Aesthetic Like American Apparel…

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When we wrote… er, discovered… the Hipster Style Council’s dress code, we didn’t expect that anyone would actually create enforceable fashion guidelines for hip, urban 20-somethings. How wrong we were! Gawker got its hands on a copy of American Apparel’s handout on attire, and let’s just say that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. Besides leaving us with a major urge to copyedit (what are “Dock Martins”?), Am Appy’s bizarre edict has us wondering what would happen if other large clothing chains were forced to sum up their aesthetic in one poorly punctuated nonsense phrase, á la “Classy-Vintage-Chique-Late 80’s-Early 90’s-Ralph Lauren-Vogue-Nautical High end brand.” Our best guesses for how they might do it are after the jump.

Gap All-American-Khaki-Neutral-Dress to blend in and hide problem areas-50’s4ever

Banana Republic Upper East Side grandma-Brunch-Brooches-Textured suiting-Yellow=Wealth

Express Mallrat-Reformed-Slut-Not-Ashamed-Tight, embelish’d denim-Day-to-Night-OMG

J. Crew WASP-on-Best-Family-Vacation-Ever-Peecoats never go out of style

Forever 21 Just-Stepped-Off-Runway but in pollyesther-Avril-Lavigne-As-Style-Icon

French Connection Expensive-Basics-European-Flair-What-Does-That-Mean-Nothing

H&M

Disposable-chique-Cut-Rate-Manic-Pixie-Dream-Girl-Big-Jewelry

Uniqlo Japanese-Gap-for-Hipsters-Casual-Appreciator of Street Art-Nerd-Chique-Bordercrossing

Wet Seal My-Big-Siss-Wears-Express-OMG-Wanna-Share-Lipgloss?

Abercrombie & Fitch Homoerotic-Collegiate-Bro-with-Sixpack-Abs-Aryans-Only-Pls

American Eagle Collegiate-Bro-on-Scholarship-Skitrip-or-Beachwear

Hollister Bro-Who-Dropped-Out-Still-Goes-to-Frat-Parties-Wears-too-much-Cologne

Bebe Naughty-EuroTrash-Crystal-Words-Over-Boobs-Gratuitus-Hardware-Clubbin

Aeropostale High-School-Football-Groupie-Athletic=Didn’t brush my hair this morning-Pajamas-in-Public

Urban Outfitters This-Iz-What-Hipsters-Wear-Rite?-Do-Sequins-Go-with-Plaid?

Anthropologie I’m-too-Rich-too-Shop at a Chain Store-Global-Bizarre (sp?)-Beads-Prints-Layers-Borjois Bohemian

Hot Topic Used-to-like-Marilyn Manson/Now-Prefer-Twilight-Goth-and-emo-now-the-same-thing-Remember-Candy-Ravers?

PacSun This-Iz-What-Sk8ers-Wear-Rite?-Suburban-Rebel without a cause-Ankle-Length-Shorts

Top image via d-day on Flickr